7. Marriage and Family
Life
(Excerpts from Door to the Future [Asu e no Tobira])
7.1. Purpose of the Institution of Marriage
121.
And when He desired to manifest grace and beneficence to men, and to set the
world in order, He revealed observances and created laws; among them He
established the law of marriage, made it as a fortress for well-being and
salvation, and en-joined it upon us in that which was sent down out of the
heaven of sanctity in His Most Holy Book. He saith, great is His glory:
"Marry, O people, that from you may appear he who will remember Me amongst
My servants; this is one of My commandments unto you; obey it as an assistance
to yourselves." - Bahá'u'lláh
(Bahá'u'lláh:
Bahá'í Prayers, pp. 158-159)
122.
"The pious deeds of the monks and priests among the followers of the
Spirit - upon Him be the peace of God - are remembered in His presence. In this
Day, however, let them give up the life of seclusion and direct their steps
towards the open world and busy themselves with that which will profit
themselves and others. We have granted them leave to enter into wedlock that
they may bring forth one who will make mention of God, the Lord of the seen and
the unseen, the Lord of the Exalted Throne."
(Bahá'u'lláh,
Tablets of Bahá'u'lláh, p. 24)
123.
"Regarding the question of matrimony: Know thou that the command of
marriage is eternal. It will never be changed nor altered. This is divine
creation and there is not the slightest possibility that change or alteration
affect this divine creation (marriage)."
('Abdu'l-Bahá,
Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 2)
124.
"Of course, under normal circumstances, every person should consider it
his moral duty to marry. And this is what Bahá'u'lláh has encouraged the
believers to do. But marriage is by no means an obligation. In the last resort
it is for the individual to decide whether he wishes to lead a family life or
live in a state of celibacy."
(Shoghi
Effendi from a letter dated May 3 1936, to an individual believer: Bahá'í
Marriage and Family Life, p. 2)
125.
"It should, moreover, be borne in mind that although to be married is
highly desirable, and Bahá'u'lláh has strongly recommended it, it is not the
central purpose of life. If a person has to wait a considerable period before
finding a spouse, or if ultimately, he or she must remain single, it does not
mean that he or she is thereby unable to fulfill his or her life's
purpose."
(Universal
House of Justice: Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 2)
126.
O people of the earth! A solitary life and severe discipline do not meet
Godfs approval. The possessors of perception and knowledge should look unto the
means which are conducive to joy and fragrancec.Deprive not yourselves of that
which is created for you. -
Bahá'u'lláh
(Bahá'u'lláh:
A Fortress for Well-Being, p. 7)
7.2. Preparation
127.hcman
should know his own self, and recognize that which leadeth unto loftiness or
lowliness, glory or abasement, wealth or poverty.h
(Bahá'u'lláh:
Tablets of Bahá'u'lláh, p. 35)
128.
gFar, far from Thy glory be what mortal man can affirm of Thee, or attribute
unto Thee, or the praise with which he can glorify Thee! Whatever duty Thou
hast prescribed unto Thy servants of extolling to the utmost Thy majesty and
glory is but token of Thy grace unto them, that they may be enabled to ascend
unto the station conferred upon their own inmost being, the station of the
knowledge of their own selves.h
(Bahá'u'lláh:
Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá'u'lláh, I, pp. 4-5)
129.
gAs for the question regarding marriage under the Law of God first thou must
choose one who is pleasing to thee, and then the matter is subject to the
consent of father and mother. Before thou makest thy choice, they have no right
to interfere.h
('Abdu'l-Bahá:
Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá, p. 118)
130.
"Verily in the Book of Bayan (the Báb's, Revelation) the matter is
restricted to the consent of both (bride and bridegroom). As we desired to
bring about love and friendship and the unity of the people, therefore We made
it conditional upon the consent of the parents also, that enmity and
ill-feeling might be avoided."
(Bahá'u'lláh:
Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 22)
131.
"Bahá'u'lláh has clearly stated the consent of all living parents required
for Bahá'í marriage. This applies whether the parents are Bahá'ís or non-
Bahá'ís, divorced for years or not. This great law He has laid down to
strengthen the social fabric, to knit closer the ties of the home, to place a
certain gratitude and respect in the hearts of children for those who have
given them life and sent their souls out on the eternal journey towards their
Creator. We Bahá'ís must realize that in present-day society the exact opposite
process is taking place: young people care less and less for their parents'
wishes, divorce is considered a natural right, and obtained on the flimsiest
and most unwarrantable and shabby pretexts. People separated from each other,
especially if one of them has had full custody of the children, are only too
willing to belittle the importance of the partner in marriage also responsible
as a parent for bringing those children into this world. The Bahá'ís must,
through rigid adherence to the Bahá'í laws and teachings, combat these
corrosive forces which are so rapidly destroying home life and the beauty of
family relationships, and tearing down the moral structure of society."
(Shoghi
Effendi, from a letter dated October 25, 1947, written on his behalf to the
National Spiritual Assembly of the United States: Bahá'í Marriage and Family
Life, p. 23)
132.
"Bahá'ís who cannot marry because of lack of consent of one or more
parents could consult with their Local Spiritual Assembly, to see whether it
may suggest a way to change the attitude of any of the parents involved. The
believers, when faced with such problems, should put their trust in
Bahá'u'lláh, devote more time to the service, the teaching and the promotion of
His Faith, be absolutely faithful to His injunctions on the observance of an
unsullied, chaste life, and rely upon Him to open the way and remove the
obstacle, or make known His will."
(Universal
House of Justice, from a letter dated September 9, 1969 to an individual
believer: Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 25)
133.
"In considering the effect of obedience to the laws on individual lives,
one must remember that the purpose of this life is to prepare the soul for the
next. Here one must learn to control and direct one's animal impulses, not to
be a slave to them. Life in this world is a succession of tests and
achievements, of falling short and of making new spiritual advances. Sometimes
the course may seem very hard, but one can witness, again and again, that the
soul who steadfastly obeys the law of Bahá'u'lláh, however hard it may seem,
grows spiritually, while the one who compromises with the law for the sake of
his own apparent happiness is seen to have been following a chimera: he does
not attain the happiness he sought, he retards his spiritual advance and often
brings new problems upon himself. "To give one very obvious example: The
Bahá'í law requiring consent of parents to marriage. All too often nowadays
such consent is withheld by non-Bahá'í parents for reasons of bigotry or racial
prejudice; yet we have seen again and again the profound effect on those very
parents of the firmness of the children in the Bahá'í law, to the extent that
not only is the consent ultimately given in many cases, but the character of
the parents can be affected and their relationship with their child greatly
strengthened. "Thus, by upholding Bahá'í law in the face of all
difficulties we not only strengthen our own characters but influence those
around us."
(Universal
House of Justice: Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, pp. 25-26)
134.
gA couple should study each otherfs character ad spend time getting to know
each other before they decide to marry, and when they do marry it should be
with the intention of establishing an eternal bond.h
(Universal
House of Justice, from a letter dated November 2, 1982 to an individual
believer: Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 20)
135.
Bahá'í marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost
care and become acquainted with each otherfs character. This eternal bond should be made secure
by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship
and unity and to attain everlasting lifec. -'Abdu'l-Bahá
('Abdu'l-Bahá:
A Fortress for Well-Being, pp. 29-30)
136.
"Concerning the question of marriage and the stipulated period between the
time of the engagement and the marriage, this is the decisive text of the Book
of God and may not be interpreted. In the past, serious difficulties and
problems arose when a long period of time elapsed between the engagement and
the marriage. Now according to the Text of the Book, when marriage between the
parties is arranged, i ,e, when the parties become engaged, and it is certain
that they will be married, not more than ninety-five days should elapse before
the marriage takes placech
('Abdu'l-Bahá,
quoted in a letter dated April 11, 1982 from the Universal House of Justice to
the National Spiritual Assembly of the United States: Bahá'í Marriage and
Family Life, p. 26)
137.
"The law requiring Bahá'ís to be married within the ninety-five day period
following the engagement is not yet applicable in the West. However, Iranians
residing in the West obey such laws as a matter of conscience."
(Universal
House of Justice, from a letter dated July 14, 1965 to a National Spiritual
Assembly: Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 27)
138.
gThe beginning of the ninety-five days before the marriage is the day on which
the consents have been obtained.h
(Shoghi
Effendi, from a letter dated April 3, 1943 to an individual believer: Bahá'í
Marriage and Family Life, p. 26)
139.
"Concerning the observance of details of Bahá'í law pertaining to marriage
such as the duration of the engagement periodcby the lranian believers now
residing in the West, these laws are binding if the two parties are lranians.
However, if one party is lranian and the other is a western believer, the
lranian believer, although it is a praiseworthy act to inform his/her spouse of
these laws, should not bring pressure to bear for their observance."
(Universal
House of Justice, from a letter dated July 7, 1968 to an individual believer: Bahá'í
Marriage and Family Life, p. 27)
7.3. Wedding Ceremony
140.
"It is incumbent upon both parties to recite a specifically revealed verse
indicating their being content with the will of God."
(Bahá'u'lláh:
Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 4)
141.
"The specifically revealed verse is, "We will all, verily, abide by
the Will of God."
(Bahá'u'lláh:
Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 4)
142.
". . . Bahá'í marriages should be referred to Assemblies to
officiate."
(Shoghi
Effendi, from a letter dated June 23, 1950, written on his behalf to the
National Spiritual Assembly of Canada: Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life,
p. 5)
143.
"The ceremony itself must be very simple."
(Shoghi
Effendi: Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 5)
144.
" Bahá'í marriage should at present not be pressed into any kind of a
uniform mould. What is absolutely essential is what Bahá'u'lláh stipulated in
the Aqdas: the friends can add to these selected writings if they please - but
the so-called 'Marriage Tablet' (revealed by 'Abdu'l-Bahá) is not a necessary
part of every Bahá'í marriage."
(Shoghi
Effendi: Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 5)
145.
"In cases where there is more than one ceremony, the Bahá'í service and
the other civil or religious ceremony must be performed on the same day."
(Shoghi
Effendi, from a letter dated June 20, 1940, to the National Spiritual Assembly
of Australia and New Zealand: Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 5)
146.
"As to the holding of the Bahá'í and civil ceremonies on the same day, as
consummation of the marriage should not take place until both ceremonies have
been held, a night should not intervene between the two ceremonies."
(Universal
House of Justice, from a letter dated April 23, 1971 to the National Spiritual
Assembly of the United States: Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 5)
147.
...the bride and groom before two witnesses, must state "We will all,
verily, abide by the Will of God." These two witnesses may be chosen by
the couple or by the Spiritual Assembly, but must in any case be acceptable to
the Assembly; they may be its chairman and secretary, or two other members of
the Assembly, or two other people, Bahá'í or non-Bahá'í, or any combination of
these. The Assembly may decide that all marriage certificates it issues are to
be signed by the chairman and secretary, but that is a different matter and has
nothing to do with the actual ceremony or the witnesses. . . . The witnesses can
be any two trustworthy people whose testimony is acceptable to the Spiritual
Assembly under whose jurisdiction the marriage is performed. This fact makes it
possible for a lone pioneer in a remote post to have a Bahá'í marriage.
-The Universal House of Justice (Universal House of Justice, from a letter
dated August 8, 1969, to the National Spiritual Assembly of the United States: A
Fortress for Well-Being, p. 49)
148.
If a Bahá'í marries a non-Bahá'í who wishes to have the religious ceremony
of his own sect carried out it must be quite clear that, first, the Bahá'í
partner is understood to be a Bahá'í by religion, and not to accept the
religion of the other party to the marriage through having his or her religious
ceremony; and second, the ceremony must be of a nature which does not commit
the Bahá'í to any declaration of faith in a religion other than his own.
Under these circumstances, the Bahá'í can partake of the
religious ceremony of his non- Bahá'í partner. The Bahá'í should insist on
having the Bahá'í ceremony carried out before or after the non- Bahá'í one, on
the same day.
(From
a letter dated June 20, 1954, written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to the
National Spiritual Assembly of the United States: A Fortress for Well-Being,
p. 48)
7.4. Marriage and Family Life
149.
The institution of marriage, as established by Baháfuflláh, while giving due
importance to the physical aspect of martial union considers it as subordinate
to the moral and spiritual purposes and functions with which it has been invested
by an all-wise and loving Providence. Only when these different values are
given each their due importance, and only on the basis of the subordination of
the physical to the moral, and carnal to the spiritual can such excesses and
laxity in martial relations as our decadent age is so sadly witnessing be
avoided, and family life be restored to its original purity, and fulfill the
true function for which it has been instituted by God.
(Shoghi
Effendi, from a letter dated August 8, 1939, written on his behalf to an
individual believer: Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 10)
150.
Bahá'í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and
their mutual attachment of mind and heart. Each must, however, exercise the
utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other,
that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever.
Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one
with each other for time and eternity. . . . The true marriage of Bahá'ís is
this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually,
that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy
everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá'í marriage.
('Abdu'l-Bahá:
Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bahá, p. 118)
151.
"The Bahá'í Faith recognizes the value of the sex impulse, but condemns
its illegitimate and improper expressions such as free love, companionate
marriage and others, all of which it considers positively harmful to man and to
the society in which he lives. The proper use of the sex instinct is the
natural right of every individual, and it is precisely for this purpose that
the institution of marriage has been established. The Bahá'ís do not believe in
the suppression of the sex impulse but in its regulation and
control."
(Shoghi
Effendi, from a letter dated September 5, 1938 to an individual believer: Lights
of Guidance, # 681)
152.
"Concerning your question whether there are any legitimate forms of
expression of the sex instinct outside of marriage; according to the Bahá'í
Teachings no sexual act can be considered lawful unless performed between
lawfully married persons. Outside of marital life there can be no lawful or
healthy use of the sex impulse....h
(Shoghi
Effendi, from a letter dated September 5, 1938 to an individual believer: Lights
of Guidance, # 683)
153.
"It is highly important for man to raise a family. So long as he is young,
because of youthful complacency, he does not realize its significance, but this
will be a source of regret when he grows oldc.In this glorious Cause the life
of a married couple should resemble the life of the angels in heaven - a life
full of joy and spiritual delight, a life of unity and concord, a friendship
both mental and physical. The home should be orderly and well organized. Their
ideas and thoughts should be like the rays of the sun of truth and the radiance
of the brilliant stars in the heavens. Even as two birds they should warble melodies
upon the branches of the tree of fellowship and harmony. They should always be
elated with joy and gladness and be a source of happiness to the hearts of
others. They should set an example to their fellow-men, manifest true and
sincere love towards each other and educate their children in such a manner as
to blazon the fame and glory of their family."
('Abdu'l-Bahá:
Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 30)
154.
"According to the teachings of Baháfuflláh, the family being a human unit
must be educated according to the rules of sanctity. All the virtues must be
taught the family. The integrity of the family bond must be constantly
considered and the rights of the individual members must not be transgressed.
The rights of the son, the father, the mother, none of them must be
transgressed, none of them must be arbitrary. Just as the son has certain
obligations to his father, the father likewise has certain obligations to his
son. The mother, the sister and other members of the household have their certain
prerogatives. All these rights and prerogatives must be conserved, yet the
unity of the family must be sustained. The injury of one shall be considered
the injury of all; the comfort of each the comfort of all; the honor of one the
honor of all."
('Abdu'l-Bahá:
Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 54)
155.
In considering the problems that you and your wife are experiencing, the House
of Justice points out that the unity of your family should take priority over
any other consideration Baháfuflláh came to bring unity to the world, and a
fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, we must believe that the
Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it. For example, service
to the Cause should not produce neglect of the family. It is important for you
to arrange your time so that your family life is harmonious and your household
receives the attention it requires, Baháfuflláh also stressed the importance of
consultation. We should not think this worthwhile method of seeking solutions
is confined to the administrative institutions of the Cause. Family
consultation employing full and frank discussion, and animated by awareness of
the need for moderation and balance, can be the panacea for domestic conflict.
Wives should not attempt to dominate their husbands, nor husbands their wives.
(Letter
written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice dated August 1, 1978 to an
individual believer: Women, p. 31)
7.5. Divorce
156.
gGod doth verily love union and concord, and abhorreth separation and divorce.h
(Baháfuflláh:
Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life, p. 8)
157.
"Formerly in Persia divorce was very easily obtained. Among the people of
the past Dispensation a trifling matter would cause divorce. However, as the
light of the Kingdom shone forth souls were quickened by the spirit of
Baháfuflláh, then they totally eschewed divorce. In Persia now divorce doth not
take place among the friends, unless a compelling reason existeth which maketh
harmony impossible. Under such rare circumstances some cases of divorce take
place.
"Now
the friends in America must live and conduct themselves in this way. They must
strictly refrain from divorce unless something ariseth which compelleth them to
separate because of their aversion for each other, in that case with the
knowledge of the Spiritual Assembly they may decide to separate. They must then
be patient and wait one complete year. If during this year harmony is not
re-established between them, then their divorce may be realized. It should not
happen that upon the occurrence of a slight friction or displeasure between
husband and wife, the husband would think of union with some other woman or,
God forbid, the wife also think of another husband. This is contrary to the
standard of heavenly value and true chastity. The friends of God must so live
and conduct themselves, and evince such excellence of character and conduct, as
to make others astonished. The love between husband and wife should not be
purely physical, nay rather it must be spiritual and heavenly. These two souls
should be considered as one soul. How difficult it would be to divide a single
soul! Nay, great would be the difficulty!
"In
short, the foundation of the kingdom of God is based upon harmony and love,
oneness, relationship and union, not upon differences, especially between
husband and wife. If one of these two become the cause of divorce, that one
will unquestionably fall into great difficulties, will become the victim of formidable
calamities and experience deep remorse."
('Abdu'l-Bahá:
Lights of Guidance, p. 294)
158.
"Regarding divorce the Guardian stated that it is discouraged, deprecated
and against the good pleasure of God. The Assembly must circulate among the
friends whatever has been revealed from the Pen of 'Abdu'l-Bahá in this
connection so that all may be fully reminded. Divorce is conditional upon the
approval and permission of the Spiritual Assembly. The members of the Assembly
must in such matters independently and carefully study and investigate each
case. If there should be valid grounds for divorce and it is found that
reconciliation, is utterly impossible, that antipathy is intense and its
removal is not possible, then the Assembly may approve the divorce."
(From
the Guardian to the National Spiritual Assembly of Iran, July 7, 1938:
-translated from the Persian: Lights of Guidance, p. 295)
