To Set the World in Order: Building and Preserving Strong Marriages
A Compilation Prepared by the Research Department
of the Universal House of Justice
August 2023
|
The Cause of Unity |
p. 2 |
|
Creating Families that Illuminate the World |
p. 6 |
|
The Ideal Milieu for Learning the Principles
of Consultation |
p. 10 |
|
Addressing Challenges |
p. 15 |
|
Prayers |
p. 33 |
The Cause of Unity
And then the
voice of the Divine Lote-Tree sounded, calling aloud and saying: “Praise be unto God Who hath ordained
marriage to be a portal for the appearance of the manifestations of His Name,
the All-Merciful, and adorned by its means the cities of His mention and
praise.” Verily, it is the key to
the perpetuation of life for the peoples of the world, and the inscrutable
instrument for the fulfilment of their destiny. Through it the water of life hath
streamed forth unto the people of certitude. Praised be God, Who hath made marriage a
means for propagating His Cause amongst His servants and proclaiming His Word
throughout the world….
All
loving-kindness is Thine, O Thou Who art the Object of the adoration of all
humankind, inasmuch as Thou hast ordained marriage to be a cause of unity
amongst Thy creatures and of the exaltation of Thy Word amidst Thy people. Through its agency, Thou hast bound
together the hearts and revealed the manifestations of
Thy Name, the Best-Beloved. By
its means, the hidden mysteries have been disclosed from behind the mount of
Thy power, and earth and heaven have been illumined with the light of Thy
loving-kindness.
(Bahá’u’lláh, from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [1]
Marriage,
among the mass of the people, is a physical bond, and this union can only be
temporary, since it is foredoomed to a physical separation at the close.
Among the
people of Bahá, however, marriage must be a union of the body and of the spirit
as well, for here both husband and wife are aglow with the same wine, both are
enamoured of the same matchless Face, both live and move through the same
spirit, both are illumined by the same glory. This connection between them is a
spiritual one, hence it is a bond that will abide forever. Likewise do they enjoy strong and lasting
ties in the physical world as well, for if the marriage is based both on the
spirit and the body, that union is a true one, hence it will endure. If, however, the bond is physical and
nothing more, it is sure to be only temporary, and must inexorably end in
separation.
When,
therefore, the people of Bahá undertake to marry, the union must be a true
relationship, a spiritual coming together as well as a physical one, so that
throughout every phase of life, and in all the worlds of God, their union will
endure; for this real oneness is a gleaming out of the love of God.
In the same
way, when any souls grow to be true believers, they will attain a spiritual
relationship with one another, and show forth a tenderness which is not of this
world. They will, all of them,
become elated from a draught of divine love, and that union of theirs, that
connection, will also abide forever.
Souls, that is, who will consign their own selves to oblivion, strip
from themselves the defects of humankind, and unchain themselves from human
bondage, will beyond any doubt be illumined with the heavenly splendours of oneness,
and will all attain unto real union in the world that dieth not.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, pars. 84.2–84.5) [2]
Bahá’í
marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their
mutual attachment of mind and heart.
Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly
acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between
them may be a tie that will endure forever. Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades
and at one with each other for time and eternity….
The true
marriage of Bahá’ís is this, that husband and wife should be united both
physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of
each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá’í marriage.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the
Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, pars. 86.1–86.2) [3]
With all humility, prayers of supplication have been offered at the Holy Threshold,
that this marriage may be a harbinger of joy to the friends, that it may be a
loving bond for all eternity, and yield everlasting benefits and fruits.
From
separation doth every kind of hurt and harm proceed, but the union of created
things doth ever yield most laudable results. From the pairing of even the smallest
particles in the world of being are the grace and bounty of God made manifest;
and the higher the degree, the more momentous is the union. “Glory be to Him Who hath created all the
pairs, of such things as earth produceth, and out of men themselves, and of
things beyond their ken.”[1] And above all other unions is that
between human beings, especially when it cometh to pass in the love of God. Thus is the primal oneness made to
appear; thus is laid the foundation of love in the spirit. It is certain that such a marriage as
yours will cause the bestowals of God to be revealed. Wherefore do we offer you felicitations
and call down blessings upon you and beg of the Blessed Beauty, through His aid
and favour, to make that wedding feast a joy to all and adorn it with the
harmony of Heaven.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the
Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, pars. 87.1–87.2) [4]
O ye two
believers in God! The Lord,
peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest
companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two intimate
friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.
If they live
thus, they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss, and
peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace and favour in the Kingdom
of heaven. But if they do other
than this, they will live out their lives in great bitterness, longing at every
moment for death, and will be shamefaced in the heavenly realm.
Strive, then,
to abide, heart and soul, with each other as two doves in the nest, for this is
to be blessed in both worlds.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of
‘Abdu’l-Bahá, pars.
92.1–92.3) [5]
He is God.
All praise be
unto God, Who hath created realities that are paired through the mutual
encounter of the divine names and attributes, that are comprised of both
existence and essence, and that derive their grace from states that are
opposite yet compatible and from facing mirrors that form complementary
reflections. “Glory be to Him Who
hath created all the pairs, of such things as the earth produceth, and of
themselves, and of things beyond their ken”,[2] and
hath made the human reality to be a wellspring of blessings and a fountainhead
of abundant increase in the world of being. The inner realities of all things
proceeded from the encounter of the most excellent names, and the contest of
the most exalted attributes. They
married, assembled, gathered, harmonized, united, and attained unto completion
and perfection—whereupon, within the essences of the realities derived
therefrom, the effulgence of primal oneness shone resplendent.
Within these
mysteries lieth an inscrutable wisdom—a wisdom through which God’s laws and
ordinances have been revealed in the Sacred Scriptures. Unto God belongeth supreme authority,
irrefutable proofs, all-swaying sovereignty, consummate might, and
all-encompassing powers of attraction.
Blessing and
praise rest upon that Reality that joineth together the spiritual realities and
subtle particulars of the universe—that mighty Bridge, that all-bountiful Link,
that Confluence of the two seas and Meeting-Place of the two shores, that
Day-Star of the “two Easts” and Light of the “two Wests”[3]—upon
that Blessed Tree and its branches, its leaves, its blossoms, and its fruits,
and upon all those who have sought shelter within its shade and taken refuge
beneath its outspread boughs.
Verily, the
All-Merciful One shed His splendour upon the Sinai of creation with a light
that gleamed, flashed, and beamed upon the dawning-places of the souls and the
horizons of the world. Thereupon
did all potentialities and their recipients, and all existences and essences,
unite and join together in affection, intimacy, and mutual attraction. Through this union, the sign of Divine
Oneness appeared, the standard of His Singleness was hoisted, all multiplicity
disappeared, all selfishness vanished into nothingness, and every dividing
boundary did fade away.
And so that
this primal oneness may be expressed and this spiritual harmony be manifested,
He, through His consummate wisdom and all-encompassing mercy, prescribed
matrimony and ordained it to be a means of salvation and well-being, that it
might be a symbol of that divine bond and a sign of that spiritual harmony,
heavenly bounty, and celestial favour.
Rejoice,
then, O people of Bahá, at this loving harmony that your Lord hath ordained for
you from the realms above, and this unity that hath been established upon
pillars of divine guidance. From it
hath sprung the harmony that hath formed between this blessed leaf and this
exalted bough, and the union that hath appeared between this noble fruit and
this wondrous branch.
Wherefore,
beseech ye God to make this marriage blessed, prosperous, loving, and happy, to
gladden and vivify by it their two hearts, and to raise up, through them, souls
who will walk steadfastly in the Cause of the Lord, who will diffuse the sweet
savours of holiness throughout the East and the West, will illumine the world
with the light of divine knowledge, will perfume all regions with the
fragrances of divine mysteries, and will adorn the world of being with the
hidden secrets of servitude to Him Who is its Creator and Supreme
Ordainer. Praise be unto God, both
at the beginning of this union and at its culmination.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [6]
Regarding the
question of marriage, know thou that the command of marriage is eternal. It will never be changed or altered. This creation is divine, and it is not
possible for that which is created by God to be changed or altered.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [7]
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [8]
Praise be
unto Him Who, through His effulgent grace, created the Primal Origin of
existence and made It the centre of the seat of glory. From this human Temple, He hath caused to
emanate all the tribes, kindreds, and nations of the earth. Whereupon He created all things—whether
plants or animals or intelligent and rational beings—in joyous, connected
pairs, in order that they might flourish, multiply, and worship their Lord with
radiant devotion, treading the path of guidance with heart and soul. Amongst the believers, He hath ordained
this binding covenant to be a sign of Divine Unity and the highest means for
attaining physical and spiritual union. He hath matched His servants and chosen
ones with luminous maidservants and heavenly leaves…. He hath bound together their hearts and
made them even as a single soul, that they may, at all times and under all
conditions, live in harmony, affection, unity, and concord.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [9]
O maidservant
of God! Praise be unto God that thy
loving husband hath entered beneath the shade of the Blessed Tree, and hath
received the light of divine guidance from the heavenly sun and luminous
moon. He is an agreeable companion
and a true friend. Therefore, thou
shouldst act in such a manner that he may enjoy the utmost happiness, felicity,
and delight and may be wholeheartedly pleased and gladdened. I shall pray for you and hope that,
through the bounties and blessings of the Almighty, ye may live in a state of
utmost harmony and love. Upon thee
be the glory of the Most Glorious.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [10]
Endeavour that the black and the white may gather
in one meeting place, and with the utmost love, fraternally associate with each
other, so that quarrel and strife may vanish from among the white and the
black. Thou must even endeavour
that they intermarry. There is no
greater means to bring about affection between the white and the black than the
influence of the Word of God.
Likewise marriage between these two races will wholly destroy and
eradicate the root of enmity.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [11]
What the
Bahá’ís must do is not commit adultery if they are married, and refrain from
sexual intimacy before marriage. It
is not a sin in the Bahá’í Faith if you do not marry, but marriage is
recommended to the believers by Bahá’u’lláh.
There is no
teaching in the Bahá’í Faith that “soul mates” exist. What is meant is that marriage should
lead to a profound friendship of spirit, which will endure in the next world,
where there is no sex, and no giving and taking in marriage; just the way we
should establish
with our parents, our children, our brothers and sisters and friends a
deep spiritual bond which will be everlasting, and not merely physical bonds of
human relationship.
(From a letter dated
4 December 1954 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual
believer) [12]
Creating Families
that Illuminate the World
Enter into wedlock, O people, that ye may bring forth one who will make
mention of Me amid My servants. This
is My bidding unto you; hold fast to it as an assistance to yourselves.
(Bahá’u’lláh, The Kitáb-i-Aqdas, par. 63) [13]
And when He
desired to manifest grace and beneficence to men, and to set the world in
order, He revealed observances and created laws; among them He established the
law of marriage, made it as a fortress for well-being and salvation, and
enjoined it upon us in that which was sent down out of the heaven of sanctity
in His Most Holy Book. He saith,
great is His glory: “Enter into
wedlock, O people, that ye may bring forth one who will make mention of Me amid
My servants. This is My bidding
unto you; hold fast to it as an assistance to yourselves.”
(Bahá’u’lláh, in Bahá’í Prayers: A Selection of Prayers Revealed by
Bahá’u’lláh, the Báb, and ‘Abdu’l-Bahá (Wilmette: Bahá’í Publishing Trust, 2002), p. 116) [14]
God
testifieth that there is none other God but Him, Who is potent to do whatsoever
He willeth. He ruleth over His
dominion as He pleaseth. This is a
Day wherein the All-Merciful hath enjoined matrimony upon the people that
through it may appear those who will lift up their voices and make mention of
God, the Lord of the seen and of the unseen, the Lord of the Mighty Throne….
Glory be upon
thee and upon the handmaiden with whom We have favoured thee. Render ye thanks unto God, and say: “Magnified art Thou, O Lord of the
World! All praise be unto Thee, O
Thou Who art the glory of such as have recognized Thee!”
(Bahá’u’lláh, from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [15]
O ye my two
beloved children! The news of your
union, as soon as it reached me, imparted infinite joy and gratitude. Praise be to God, those two faithful
birds have sought shelter in one nest. I beseech God that He may enable them to
raise an honoured family, for the importance of marriage lieth in the bringing
up of a richly blessed family, so that with entire gladness they may, even as
candles, illuminate the world. For
the enlightenment of the world dependeth upon the existence of man. If man did not exist in this world, it
would have been like a tree without fruit. My hope is that you both may become even
as one tree, and may, through the outpourings of the cloud of loving-kindness,
acquire freshness and charm, and may blossom and yield fruit, so that your line
may eternally endure.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of
‘Abdu’l-Bahá, par.
88.1) [16]
O ye two
birds of the celestial gardens! Render
thanks unto God that ye were graciously enabled to enter into matrimony with
one another and wish to establish a blessed family. I too supplicate the realm of the
All-Glorious that those two intimate doves may be made to warble sweet melodies
in the heaven of His bounty, so that upon the twigs of the Tree of Life they
may sing, in the most wondrous tones, hymns of praise and glory to the Lord of
Hosts, in order that all who hearken thereunto may be moved and filled with joy
and ecstasy, may be stirred by the breezes of God’s loving-kindness, may seek
eternal life, and may long for spiritual rebirth. Upon you both be the glory of the Most
Glorious.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [17]
It is my fervent hope that, through the bestowals of the Blessed Beauty,
this marriage may bring about joy and radiance, and may gladden and cheer the
friends—and that through it, a Bahá’í family may shine forth in the realm of
existence, the descendants of which will become manifestations of divine grace
and bounty in the ages and centuries to come.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a
Tablet—translated
from the Persian) [18]
I beseech God
to graciously make of thy home a centre for the diffusion of the light of
divine guidance, for the dissemination of the Words of God and for enkindling
at all times the fire of love in the hearts of His faithful servants and
maidservants. Know thou of a
certainty that every house wherein the anthem of praise is raised to the Realm
of Glory in celebration of the Name of God is indeed a heavenly home, and one
of the gardens of delight in the Paradise of God.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated
from the Arabic) [19]
I convey my greetings and felicitations on the occasion of thy marriage. May it be blessed and joyous, and may it
lead to the continuation of thy lineage forevermore. Every marriage founded upon the utmost
steadfastness in the love of God will assuredly become a source of great
blessings. Therefore, I beseech God
that this marriage
may be conducive to happiness and this union may lead to the appearance of
divine bestowals. Upon thee be
greetings and praise.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [20]
After marriage thou shouldst, God willing, together with thy revered
husband diffuse the sweet savours of God so that the confirmations of the Lord
of Hosts may continually descend upon you. Through whatever region ye may pass, shed
ye the divine bestowals like unto the vernal showers, and render the lands
green and verdant thereby. Upon
thee be the glory of the Most Glorious.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [21]
The hearts were cheered by your marriage on a blessed and happy day in
this glorious age. In the
estimation of true believers, there is no doubt whatsoever that this marriage
is auspicious and blessed, inasmuch as ye have both
sought shelter beneath the Tree of Life, have entered the Ark of Salvation, and
have, through the confirmations of the Lord of tokens and signs, been attracted
by the sweet savours of the garden of heaven. How blessed is this marriage! How noble is this fellowship and union! Be ye as a pair of doves that nest on the
loftiest branches of the Tree of Life within the Paradise of the All-Merciful
and warble, in the night season and at the break of dawn, the most wondrous
songs in praise of their Lord, the Unconstrained. Verily, I beseech God to ordain for you
every good, to quicken you with a pure and goodly life, to assist you to
undertake righteous deeds, and to bestow blessings upon your loved ones and
your kindred.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [22]
It is highly
important for man to raise a family.
So long as he is young, because of youthful self-complacency, he does
not realize its significance, but this will be a source of regret when he grows
old…. In this glorious Cause the
life of a married couple should resemble the life of the angels in heaven—a
life full of joy and spiritual delight, a life of unity and concord, a
friendship both mental and physical.
The home should be orderly and well-organized. Their ideas and thoughts should be like
the rays of the sun of truth and the radiance of the brilliant stars in the
heavens. Even as two birds they
should warble melodies upon the branches of the tree of fellowship and harmony. They should always be elated with joy
and gladness and be a source of happiness to the hearts of others. They should set an example to their
fellow-men, manifest a true and sincere love towards each other and educate
their children in such a manner as to blazon the fame and glory of their
family.
(From the Utterances of
‘Abdu’l-Bahá—translated from the Persian) [23]
A truly Bahá’í home is a true fortress upon which the Cause can rely
while planning its campaigns. If … and
… love each other and would like to marry, Shoghi Effendi does not wish them to
think that by doing so they are depriving themselves of the privilege of
service; in fact such a union will enhance their ability to serve. There is nothing more beautiful than to
have young Bahá’ís marry and found truly Bahá’í homes, the type Bahá’u’lláh
wishes them to be. Please give them both the Guardian’s loving greetings.
(From a letter
dated 6 November 1932 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual
believer) [24]
He hastens to
wish you both every happiness in your forthcoming marriage, and he hopes that
it will not only be a blessing to you both, but to the Faith as well.
A marriage between
two souls, alive to the Message of God in this day, dedicated to the service of
His Cause, working for the good of humanity, can be a potent force in the lives
of others and an example and inspiration to other Bahá’ís, as well as to
non-believers.
Regarding
your question of whether Bahá’ís should consider it their duty to have children: As Bahá’u’lláh has stated that the
fundamental purpose of marriage is to bring other souls into this world, to
serve God and love Him, the Guardian does not believe that you should
be unwilling to undertake this responsibility and privilege, even if it
should, temporarily at least, interfere with the tempo of your Bahá’í
activities.
(From a letter
dated 4 August 1943 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to two believers) [25]
You may be assured that in the Bahá’í Teachings, family unity goes far
beyond the married couple themselves, and is of critical importance. In the Bahá’í Faith marriage is regarded
as both a spiritual and a social institution which affects not only the couple
and their children, but also the parents, grandparents, grandchildren and other
collateral relations. Indeed, it
affects (or, in a healthy society, should affect) all other community
associations that surround it.
(From a letter dated 10 July 1996 written on behalf of the
Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [26]
If the wider society perceives the Bahá’ís as people who are becoming
spiritually transformed and who are distinguished by their admirable conduct,
and their stable marriage and family life in which children are being brought
up with good character and a spiritual orientation, seekers will be attracted
magnetically to the Faith and the teaching work will be invigorated.
(From a letter
dated 7 July 1999 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to a
National Spiritual Assembly) [27]
Independent of the level of their education, parents are in a critical
position to shape the spiritual development of their children. They should not ever underestimate their
capacity to mold their children’s moral character. For they exercise indispensable
influence through the home environment they consciously create by their love of
God, their striving to adhere to His laws, their spirit of service to His
Cause, their lack of fanaticism, and their freedom from the corrosive effects
of backbiting.
(The Universal House of Justice, Riḍván 2000 message to
the Bahá’ís of the World) [28]
… the
friends, in the many aspects of their individual and collective lives, will
need to become ever more shining examples of the change they champion. In the context of the framework for
action guiding their efforts for the progress of the Cause, the believers can
attend to, among other matters, enhancing the foundations of family life, that
vital institution which is the basic unit of society…. In all of this, the friends should be
able to determine wisely which aspects of their culture are in conformity with the
Teachings and should be advanced and which ones are not, and should be set
aside. Important, too, is their
ability to contribute to the material and social progress of their communities
while being careful to steer away from the pitfalls of partisan politics and
all its polemics. As the lofty
ideals of the Faith become more and more manifest in individuals, families, and
communities, the believers will foster a gathering of momentum that moves the
people of the region closer to that true prosperity which Bahá’u’lláh has
purposed.
(From a letter dated 9 July 2015 written on behalf of the
Universal House of Justice to a National Spiritual Assembly) [29]
This generation of youth will form families that secure the foundations
of flourishing communities. Through
their growing love for Bahá’u’lláh and their personal commitment to the
standard to which He summons them will their children imbibe the love of God,
“commingled with their mother’s milk”, and always seek the shelter of His
divine law.
(The Universal
House of Justice, from a message dated 29 December 2015 to the Conference of
the Continental Boards of Counsellors) [30]
The Ideal Milieu
for Learning the Principles of Consultation
The friends of God must be adorned with the
ornament of justice, equity, kindness and love. As they do not allow themselves to be
the object of cruelty and transgression, in like manner they should not allow
such tyranny to visit the handmaidens of God. He, verily, speaketh the truth and
commandeth that which benefiteth His servants and handmaidens. He is the Protector of all in this world
and the next.
(Bahá’u’lláh, from a Tablet—translated from the
Arabic and Persian) [31]
In any group, however loving the consultation, there are nevertheless
points on which, from time to time, agreement cannot be reached. In a Spiritual Assembly this dilemma is
resolved by a majority vote. There
can, however, be no majority where only two parties are involved, as in the
case of a husband and wife. There
are, therefore, times when a wife should defer to her husband, and times when a
husband should defer to his wife, but neither should ever unjustly dominate the
other.
(From a letter
dated 28 December 1980 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to a National Spiritual Assembly) [32]
You have asked … for specific rules of conduct to govern the
relationships of husbands and wives.
This the House of Justice does not wish to do, and it feels that there
is already adequate guidance included in the compilation on this subject;[4] for
example the principle that the rights of each and all in the family unit must
be upheld, and the advice that loving consultation should be the keynote, that
all matters should be settled in harmony and love, and that there are times
when the husband and the wife should defer to the wishes of the other. Exactly under what circumstances such
deference should take place is a matter for each couple to determine. If, God forbid, they fail to agree, and
their disagreement leads to estrangement, they should seek
counsel from those they trust and in whose sincerity and sound judgement
they have confidence, in order to preserve and strengthen their ties as a
united family.
(From a letter dated 16 May 1982
written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [33]
The Universal
House of Justice has received your letter of 7 December 1984 expressing the
views of your husband concerning the authority that he feels the Writings have
bestowed upon the husband in a marriage, and has asked us to convey the
following on its behalf.
The
guidelines on the subject which have been made available to the friends emphasize
that the rights of each and all in the family unit must be upheld, that loving
consultation should be the keynote, that all matters should be settled in
harmony and love, and that there are times when the husband or the wife should
defer to the wishes of the other.
Exactly under what circumstances such deference should take place is a
matter for each couple to determine.
(From a letter
dated 2 January 1985 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an
individual believer) [34]
The work
patterns of both men and women may well change in the future to permit both to
participate more readily in professional activity without neglect of family
life.
(From a letter
dated 11 January 1988 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an
individual believer) [35]
As you know,
the principle of the oneness of mankind is described in the Bahá’í Writings as
the pivot round which all the Teachings of Bahá’u’lláh revolve. It has widespread implications which
affect and remould all dimensions of human activity. It calls for a fundamental change in the
manner in which people relate to each other, and the eradication of those
age-old practices which deny the intrinsic human right of every individual to
be treated with consideration and respect.
Within the
family setting, the rights of all members must be respected. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá has stated:
The integrity of
the family bond must be constantly considered and the rights of the individual
members must not be transgressed.
The rights of the son, the father, the mother—none of them must be
transgressed, none of them must be arbitrary. Just as the son has certain obligations
to his father, the father, likewise, has certain obligations to his son. The mother, the sister and other members
of the household have their certain prerogatives. All these rights and prerogatives must
be conserved….
The use of
force by the physically strong against the weak, as a means of imposing one’s
will and fulfilling one’s desires, is a flagrant transgression of the Bahá’í
Teachings. There can be no
justification for anyone compelling another, through the use of force or
through the threat of violence, to do that to which the other person is not
inclined. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá has written,
“O ye lovers of God! In this,
the cycle of Almighty God, violence and force, constraint and oppression, are
one and all condemned.” Let those
who, driven by their passions or by their inability to exercise discipline in
the control of their anger, might be tempted to inflict violence on another
human being be mindful of the condemnation of such disgraceful behaviour by the
Revelation of Bahá’u’lláh.
Among the
signs of moral downfall in the declining social order are the high incidence of
violence within the family, the increase in degrading and cruel treatment of
spouses and children, and the spread of sexual abuse. It is essential that the members of the
community of the Greatest Name take utmost care not to be drawn into acceptance
of such practices because of their prevalence. They must be ever mindful of their
obligation to exemplify a new way of life distinguished by its respect for the
dignity and rights of all people, by its exalted moral tone, and by its freedom
from oppression and from all forms of abuse.
Consultation
has been ordained by Bahá’u’lláh as the means by which agreement is to be reached
and a collective course of action defined.
It is applicable to the marriage partners and within the family, and
indeed, in all areas where believers participate in mutual decision making. It requires all participants to express
their opinions with absolute freedom and without apprehension that they will be
censured or their views belittled; these prerequisites for success are
unattainable if the fear of violence or abuse is present.
A number of
your questions pertain to the treatment of women, and are best considered in light
of the principle of the equality of the sexes which is set forth in the Bahá’í
Teachings. This principle is far
more than the enunciation of admirable ideals; it has profound implications in
all aspects of human relations and must be an integral element of Bahá’í
domestic and community life. The
application of this principle gives rise to changes in habits and practices
which have prevailed for many centuries.
An example of this is found in the response provided on behalf of Shoghi
Effendi to a question whether the traditional practice whereby the man proposes
marriage to the woman is altered by the Bahá’í Teachings to permit the woman to
issue a marriage proposal to the man; the response is, “The Guardian wishes to
state that there is absolute equality between the two, and that no distinction
or preference is permitted….” With
the passage of time, during which Bahá’í men and women endeavour to apply more
fully the principle of the equality of the sexes, will come a deeper
understanding of the far-reaching ramifications of this vital principle. As ‘Abdu’l-Bahá has stated, “Until the
reality of equality between man and woman is fully established and attained,
the highest social development of mankind is not possible.”…
For a man to
use force to impose his will on a woman is a serious transgression of the
Bahá’í Teachings. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá has
stated that:
The world in the past has been ruled by force, and man has dominated over
woman by reason of his more
forceful and aggressive qualities both of body and mind. But the balance is already shifting;
force is losing its dominance, and mental alertness, intuition, and the
spiritual qualities of love and service, in which woman is strong, are gaining
ascendancy.
Bahá’í men have the opportunity to demonstrate to the world around them a
new approach to the relationship between the sexes, where aggression and the
use of force are eliminated and replaced by cooperation and consultation. The Universal House of Justice has
pointed out in response to questions addressed to it that, in a marriage
relationship, neither husband nor wife should ever unjustly dominate the other,
and that there are times when the husband and the wife
should defer to the wishes of the other, if agreement cannot be reached
through consultation; each couple should determine exactly under what
circumstances such deference is to take place.
(From a letter dated 24 January 1993 written on behalf of
the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [36]
The issue you
have raised is of vital importance to Bahá’í couples striving to address the
various needs and opportunities with which they are confronted in present-day
society. As in so many other
aspects of daily life, the resolution of this issue must be sought through the
comprehension and application of the Teachings of the Faith. The believers should clearly understand
and remain untroubled by the fact that the resulting solutions may well not be
regarded as adequate by those not blessed with the bounty of acceptance of the
Promised One and who are enmeshed in patterns of thought which are alien to the
Bahá’í Teachings despite widespread acceptance of such patterns by the
generality of humankind.
Central to
the consideration of this matter must be the purpose in life of all faithful
followers of Bahá’u’lláh: to know
and worship God. This involves
service to one’s fellow human beings and in the advancement of the Cause of
God. In pursuing this purpose, they
should strive to develop their talents and faculties to whatever extent is
possible by exploring the avenues before them.
It is
inevitable, because of the limitations of this earthly plane, that believers
will, in many instances, find themselves deprived of the opportunity to develop
their talents to the fullest. This
may be due to lack of economic resources or educational facilities, or to the
necessity of meeting other obligations and fulfilling other duties, such as the
freely chosen responsibilities associated with marriage and parenthood. In some circumstances it may be the
result of a conscious decision to make sacrifices for the sake of the Cause, as
when a pioneer undertakes to serve in a post which lacks the facilities for the
development of his or her special skills and talents. However, such deprivations and
limitations do not carry with them the implication that the Bahá’ís concerned
are unable to fulfil their fundamental, divinely ordained purpose; they are
simply elements of the universal challenge to evaluate and balance the many
calls on one’s time and effort in this life.
There is no
one universally applicable response to the questions you have raised about the
decisions to be made by marriage partners when both husband and wife are
pursuing career opportunities which appear to be leading them along divergent
paths, since circumstances vary so widely.
Each couple should rely on the process of Bahá’í consultation to
determine what is the best course of action. In so doing they might well consider the
following factors, among others:
§ the
sense of equality which should inform consultation between husband and wife;
The Universal
House of Justice has stated previously, in response to questions, that loving
consultation should be the keynote of the marriage relationship. If agreement cannot be reached, there
are times when either the husband or the wife should defer to the wishes of the
other; exactly under what circumstances such deference should take place is a
matter for each couple to decide.
§ the
strong emphasis placed in the Bahá’í Writings on the preservation of the
marriage bond and the strengthening of the unity between the marriage partners;
§ the
concept of a Bahá’í family, in which the mother is the first educator of the
children, and the husband takes primary responsibility for the financial
support of his family;
As has been
stated elsewhere by the House of Justice, this by no means implies that these
functions are inflexibly fixed and cannot be changed and adjusted to suit
particular family situations.
§ various
special circumstances which might arise, such as job prospects during a period
of widespread unemployment, unusual opportunities or abilities which one
marriage partner may have, or pressing needs of the Cause which a sacrificial
response may be called for.
The success
of such consultation will doubtless be influenced by the prayerful attitude
with which it is approached, the mutual respect of the parties for each other,
their earnest desire to devise a solution which will preserve unity and harmony
for themselves and the other members of their family, and their willingness to
make compromises and adjustments within the context of equality.
As society
evolves in the decades and centuries ahead under the transforming influence of
the Revelation of Bahá’u’lláh, it will surely experience fundamental changes
which will facilitate the social application of the Bahá’í Teachings, and will
ease the difficulties faced by couples seeking to fulfil their ardent desire to
serve the Cause of Bahá’u’lláh through their professional activities.
(From a letter
dated 26 June 1996 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an
individual believer) [37]
Among the
signs of moral decay in the present social order is the weakening of the
spiritual ties that bind the family.
Failure within the household to acknowledge the equality of the sexes
and to respect the rights of children gives rise to a culture that belittles
women and children, condones the imposition of a single will upon others, and
opens the way for aggression and violence—first in the family, then at school
and work, and eventually in the streets and in society at large. Under such circumstances, the family
environment, potentially the ideal milieu for learning the principles of
consultation and collective decision making, serves to perpetuate tyranny and
oppression in society.
(The Universal House of Justice, from a message dated 24
November 2009 to the Believers in the Cradle of the Faith) [38]
Just as the appearance of the rational soul in this realm of existence is
made possible through the complex association of countless cells, whose
organization in tissues and organs allows for the realization of distinctive
capacities, so can civilization be seen as the outcome of a set of interactions
among closely integrated, diverse components which have transcended the narrow
purpose of tending to their own existence.
And just as the viability of every cell and every organ is contingent
upon the health of the body as a whole, so should the prosperity of every
individual, every family, every people be sought in the well-being of the
entire human race….
If the web of
relationships alluded to above is to take shape and give rise to a pattern of life
distinguished by adherence to the principle of the oneness of humankind,
certain foundational concepts must be carefully examined. Most notable among them is the
conception of power…. Associated
with power in this sense are words such as “release”, “encourage”, “channel”,
“guide” and “enable”. Power is not
a finite entity which is to be “seized” and “jealously guarded”; it constitutes
a limitless capacity to transform that resides in the human race as a body.
(The Universal
House of Justice, from a message dated 2 March 2013 to the Bahá’ís of Iran) [39]
Addressing
Challenges
It hath been
laid down in the Bayán that marriage is dependent upon the consent of both
parties. Desiring to establish
love, unity and harmony amidst Our servants, We have conditioned it, once the
couple’s wish is known, upon the permission of their parents, lest enmity and
rancor should arise amongst them. And in this We have yet other purposes. Thus hath Our commandment been ordained.
(Bahá’u’lláh, The
Kitáb-i-Aqdas, par. 65) [40]
Truly, the Lord loveth union and harmony and abhorreth separation and
divorce.
(Bahá’u’lláh, The
Kitáb-i-Aqdas, par. 70) [41]
Grieve thou not, and sorrow not.
Place thy whole trust in God, and hold fast unto the hem of the
Almighty. God be praised, thus far
hath it been well, and so shall it be again. Verily, thy Lord is the Gracious, the
All-Merciful. Strive to the utmost not to separate from the daughter of …,
for the one true God desireth harmony, while discord is contrary to His
good-pleasure. He desireth union,
not division, and wisheth for connection, not separation. The most favourable of all conditions is
harmony and love. However, if this
is in no wise possible, and complete aversion hath arisen, then separation is
permissible. Strive, therefore,
with all thy might, for unity, not division.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [42]
O thou dear
handmaid of God! Render thanks unto
God that the means of reconciliation and fellowship with thine esteemed spouse
have been established. The news of thy return to Mr. … hath
made me exceedingly happy, for in the sight of God naught is more beloved
than harmony and concord, while nothing is more abhorrent than estrangement and
separation. Praised be God that
love and harmony have been re-established between you. I was deeply gladdened.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [43]
Formerly in
Persia divorce was very easily obtained.
Among the people of the past Dispensation a trifling matter would cause
divorce. However, as the light of
the Kingdom shone forth, souls were quickened by the spirit of Bahá’u’lláh,
then they totally eschewed divorce.
In Persia now divorce doth not take place among the friends, unless a
compelling reason existeth which maketh harmony impossible. Under such rare circumstances some cases
of divorce take place.
Now the
friends in America must live and conduct themselves in this way. They must strictly refrain from divorce
unless something ariseth which compelleth them to separate because of their
aversion for each other, in that case with the knowledge of the Spiritual
Assembly they may decide to separate.
They must then be patient and wait one complete year. If during this year, harmony is not
re-established between them, then their divorce may be realized. It should not happen that upon the
occurrence of a slight friction or displeasure between husband and wife, the
husband would think of union with some other woman, or, God forbid, the wife
also think of another husband. This
is contrary to the standard of heavenly value and true chastity. The friends of God must so live and
conduct themselves, and evince such excellence of character and conduct, as to
make others astonished. The love
between husband and wife must not be purely physical, nay, rather, it must be
spiritual and heavenly. These two
souls should be considered as one soul.
How difficult it would be to divide a single soul! Nay, great would be the difficulty!
In short, the
foundation of the Kingdom of God is based upon harmony and love, oneness,
relationship and union, not upon differences, especially between husband and
wife. If one of these two becometh
the cause of divorce, that one will unquestionably fall into great
difficulties, will become the victim of formidable calamities and experience
deep remorse.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated
from the Persian) [44]
Divorce is,
according to the Aqdas, permissible.
But it is discouraged. Both
the husband and wife have equal right to ask for divorce, and whenever either
of them feels it absolutely essential to do so. Divorce becomes valid even if one of the
parties refuses to accept it, and after one year of separation, during which
period the husband is under the obligation of providing for his wife and
children.
(From a letter
dated 6 July 1935 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual
believer) [45]
The Guardian
has received your letter … and has learned with deep concern of your family
difficulties and troubles. He
wishes me to assure you of his fervent prayers on your behalf and on behalf of
your dear ones at home, that you may be guided and assisted from on High to
compose your differences and to restore complete harmony and fellowship in your
midst. While he would urge you to
make any sacrifice in order to bring about unity in your family, he wishes you
not to feel discouraged if your endeavours do not yield any immediate
fruit. You should do your part with
absolute faith that in doing so you are fulfilling your duty as a Bahá’í. The rest is assuredly in God’s hand.
(From a letter dated 23 July 1937 written on behalf of
Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [46]
The Guardian
is in receipt of your letter … and has learned with deep concern of the state
of disharmony existing between you and your husband.
While he
wishes me to assure you that he will pray for the solution of your domestic
troubles, he would urge you to endeavour, by every means in your power, to
compose your differences, and not to allow them to reach such proportions as to
lead to your complete and final separation from your husband.
For while,
according to the Bahá’í law, divorce is permissible, yet it is highly
discouraged, and should be resorted to only when every effort to prevent it has
proved to be vain and ineffective.
It is for
you, and for Mr. … as well, to ponder carefully over the spiritual implications
which any act of divorce on either part would involve, and, strengthened by the
power of faith and confident in the blessings which strict adherence to the
principles and laws of Bahá’u’lláh
is bound to confer upon every one of His faithful followers, to make a
fresh resolve to solve your common difficulties and to restore the harmony,
peace and happiness of your family life.
(From a letter dated 11 September
1938 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [47]
The situation
facing you is admittedly difficult and delicate, but no less grave and indeed
vital are the responsibilities which it entails and which, as a faithful and
loyal believer, you should conscientiously and thoroughly assume.[5] The Guardian, therefore, while fully
alive to the special circumstances of your case, and however profound his
sympathy may be for you in this challenging issue with which you are so sadly
faced, cannot, in view of the emphatic injunctions contained in the Teachings,
either sanction your demand to contract a second marriage while your first wife
is still alive and is united with you in the sacred bonds of matrimony, or even
suggest or approve that you divorce her just in order to be permitted to marry
a new one.
For the
Bahá’í Teachings do not only preclude the possibility of bigamy, but also,
while permitting divorce, consider it a reprehensible act, which should be
resorted to only in exceptional circumstances, and when grave issues are
involved, transcending such considerations as physical attraction or sexual
compatibility and harmony. The
institution of marriage, as established by Bahá’u’lláh, while giving due
importance to the physical aspect of marital union, considers it as subordinate
to the moral and spiritual purposes and functions with which it has been
invested by an all-wise and loving Providence. Only when these different values are
given each their due importance, and only on the basis of the subordination of
the physical to the moral, and the carnal to the spiritual, can such excesses
and laxity in marital relations as our decadent age is so sadly witnessing be
avoided, and family life be restored to its original purity, and fulfil the
true function for which it has been instituted by God.
The Guardian
will most fervently pray that, inspired and guided by such a divine standard,
and strengthened by Bahá’u’lláh’s unfailing assistance and confirmations, you
may be able to satisfactorily adjust your relations with the persons concerned,
and thus reach the one right solution to this assuredly challenging problem of
your life.
(From a letter dated 8 May
1939 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [48]
… he indeed
feels rejoiced at the happy news of the settlement of your domestic differences
with Mrs. … and particularly to know that you have jointly undertaken a
most successful teaching tour….
This bond of common service to the Cause which is so closely uniting
your hearts and has proved such an effective solution of your personal
problems, he hopes, and indeed will fervently pray, will be further cemented by
the passing of years and through your increased and joint participation in the
teaching work….
(From a letter dated 16 December 1940 written on
behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [49]
Bahá’u’lláh
has laid great emphasis on the sanctity of marriage, and the believers should
exert their utmost to create harmony in their homes and a situation which at
least is not bad for their children.
But if, after prayer and self-sacrificing effort, this proves quite
impossible, then they may resort to divorce.
The Guardian
will pray for you and your husband that the way may open for you to find a
better relationship, and that he may cease to be so violently opposed to the
Cause.
He would
suggest that in any action separating you from your husband you take into
consideration the feelings of your children as well. He will also pray for them, that they may
grow up firm in the Faith.
(From a letter
dated 10
November 1943 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [50]
He feels that
you and your wife should do everything in your power to produce a harmonious
relationship between you and avoid divorce by all means, if possible. The Bahá’í attitude is that marriage is
a very serious and sacred relationship and divorce a last resort to be avoided
if humanly possible.
(From a letter dated 10 August 1945 written on behalf
of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [51]
He was very
sorry to hear that you and your husband are still so unhappy together. It is always a source of sorrow in life
when married people cannot get on well together, but the Guardian feels that
you and your husband, in contemplating divorce, should think of the future of your
children and how this major step on your part will influence their lives and
happiness.
If you feel
the need of advice and consultation he suggests you consult your Local
Assembly; your fellow Bahá’ís will surely do all they can to counsel and help
you, protect your interests and those of the Cause.
(From a letter dated
16 November 1945 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual
believer) [52]
The Guardian
has the impression that your husband is a fine man, and he is very pleased to
hear you two are arranging to be reunited.
He feels very strongly that Bahá’ís, if possible, more especially
Bahá’ís who serve the Cause as actively and conspicuously as you and your
family do, should set the newer believers and the young Bahá’ís a high example
in every way. As Bahá’u’lláh was so
very much against divorce (even though He permits it) and considered marriage a
most sacred responsibility, believers should do everything in their power to
preserve the marriages they have contracted, and to make of them exemplary
unions, governed by the noblest motives.
(From a letter
dated 19 October 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual
believer) [53]
Bahá’u’lláh
has clearly stated the consent of all living parents is required for a Bahá’í marriage. This applies whether the parents are
Bahá’ís or non-Bahá’ís, divorced for years or not. This great law He has laid down to
strengthen the social fabric, to knit closer the ties of the home, to place a
certain gratitude and respect in the hearts of children for those who have
given them life and sent their souls out on the eternal journey towards their
Creator. We Bahá’ís must realize
that in present-day society the exact opposite process is taking place: young people care less and less for their
parents’ wishes, divorce is considered a natural right, and obtained on the
flimsiest and most unwarrantable and shabby pretexts. People separated from each other,
especially if one of them has had full custody of the children, are only too
willing to belittle the importance of the partner in marriage also responsible
as a parent for bringing those children into this world. The Bahá’ís must, through rigid adherence
to the Bahá’í laws and teachings, combat these corrosive forces which are so
rapidly destroying home life and the beauty of family relationships, and
tearing down the moral structure of society.
(From a letter
dated 25 October 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to a National
Spiritual Assembly) [54]
There is no
doubt about it that the believers in America, probably unconsciously influenced
by the extremely lax morals prevalent and the flippant attitude towards divorce
which seems to be increasingly prevailing, do not take divorce seriously enough
and do not seem to grasp the fact that although Bahá’u’lláh has permitted it,
He has only permitted it as a last resort and strongly condemns it.
The presence
of children, as a factor in divorce, cannot be ignored, for surely it places an
even greater weight of moral responsibility on the man and wife in considering
such a step. Divorce under such
circumstances no longer just concerns them and their desires and feelings but also
concerns the children’s entire future and their own attitude towards marriage.
As to whether
you and Mr. … should now divorce:
this is a matter which so intimately concerns you both, your children,
and your future that he does not feel he can do more than point out to you what
he has stated above. The decision
must rest with you both.
(From a letter dated 19 December 1947 written
on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [55]
Divorce should be avoided most strictly by the believers, and only
under rare and urgent circumstances be resorted to. Modern society is criminally lax as to
the sacred nature of marriage, and the believers must combat this trend
assiduously.
(From a letter dated 5 January 1948 written on behalf
of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [56]
It is a great pity that two believers, united in this
glorious Cause, and blessed with a family, should not be able to live together
really harmoniously, and he feels you should take constructive action and not
allow the situation to get worse. When
the shadow of separation hangs over a husband and wife they should leave no
stone unturned in their effort to avert its becoming a reality.
He urges you
both to devote more of your time to teaching the Cause and to pray together
that Bahá’u’lláh may give you a real and lasting love for each other.
(From a letter dated 5 July 1949
written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [57]
He was very
sorry to hear that you are contemplating separation from your husband. As you no doubt know, Bahá’u’lláh
considers the marriage bond very sacred; and only under very exceptional and
unbearable circumstances is divorce advisable for Bahá’ís.
The Guardian
does not tell you that you must not divorce your husband; but he does urge you
to consider prayerfully, not only because you are a believer and anxious to
obey the laws of God, but also for the sake of the happiness of your children,
whether it is not possible for you to rise above the limitations you have felt
in your marriage hitherto, and make a go of it together.
We often feel
that our happiness lies in a certain direction; and yet, if we have to pay too
heavy a price for it in the end we may discover that we have not really
purchased either freedom or happiness, but just some new situation of
frustration and disillusion.
(From a letter dated 5 April 1951 written on behalf
of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [58]
He feels that
you should by all means make every effort to hold your marriage together,
especially for the sake of your children, who, like all children of divorced parents,
cannot but suffer from conflicting loyalties, for they are deprived of the
blessing of a father and mother in one home, to look after their interests and
love them jointly.
Now that you
realize that your husband is ill, you should be able to reconcile yourself to
the difficulties you have faced with him emotionally, and not take an
unforgiving attitude, however much you may suffer.
We know that
Bahá’u’lláh has very strongly frowned upon divorce; and it is really incumbent
upon the Bahá’ís to make almost a superhuman effort not to allow a Bahá’í
marriage to be dissolved.
(From a
letter dated 6 March 1953 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an
individual believer) [59]
He has been
very sorry to hear that your marriage seems to have failed utterly. I need not tell you as a Bahá’í that
every effort should be made by any Bahá’í to salvage their marriage for the
sake of God, rather than for their own sake. In the case of pioneers, it is even more
important, because they are before the public eye. However, in such matters it is neither
befitting nor right that the Guardian should bring pressure on
individuals. He can only appeal to
you and … to try again; but if you cannot rise to this test, that is naturally
a personal matter.
(From a letter
dated 13 January 1956 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual
believer) [60]
Wherever
there is a Bahá’í family, those concerned should by all means do all they can
to preserve it, because divorce is strongly condemned in the Teachings, whereas
harmony, unity and love are held up as the highest ideals in human
relationships. This must always
apply to the Bahá’ís, whether they are serving in the pioneering field or not.
(From a letter dated 9 November 1956 written on
behalf of Shoghi Effendi to a National Spiritual Assembly) [61]
If antipathy or resentment develop on the part of either the husband or
the wife, divorce is permissible, only after the lapse of one full year.
(“Synopsis and Codification
of the Laws and Ordinances of the Kitáb-i-Aqdas”, in The Kitáb-i-Aqdas: The Most Holy Book, item IV.C.2.b.) [62]
In
considering the problems that you and your wife are experiencing, the House of
Justice points out that the unity of your family should take priority over any
other consideration. Bahá’u’lláh
came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the
family. Therefore, we must believe
that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it. For example, service to the Cause should
not produce neglect of the family.
It is important for you to arrange your time so that your family life is
harmonious and your household receives the attention it requires.
Bahá’u’lláh
also stressed the importance of consultation. We should not think this worthwhile
method of seeking solutions is confined to the administrative institutions of
the Cause. Family consultation
employing full and frank discussion, and animated by awareness of the need for
moderation and balance, can be the panacea for domestic conflict. Wives should not attempt to dominate
their husbands, nor husbands their wives.
(From a letter
dated 1 August 1978 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [63]
There are a
number of Tablets of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá addressed to Bahá’ís who had husbands who did
not accept the Faith, and in them He encourages the Bahá’í to be patient and
understanding and to increase her love and consideration for the husband. This does not mean, of course, that the
Bahá’í should in any way renounce her faith, but it may mean a modification of
the amount or nature of her Bahá’í activities to ensure that family
responsibilities are fully attended to.
Quite often a non-Bahá’í husband, although not accepting the Faith, has
sufficient affection for his wife and respect for the Faith to assume extra
responsibilities in the home so that his wife will have more time for her
Bahá’í activities, but she should not insist that he do this, and should always
bear in mind that fostering the unity of her family is in itself a Bahá’í
duty. The same principles, of
course, apply to a husband whose wife is not a Bahá’í.
(From a letter
dated 25 January 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to a
National Spiritual Assembly) [64]
Your letter …
describing the difficulties confronting your family distressed the Universal
House of Justice and we are requested to convey the following to you.
Noting that
you and your husband have consulted about your family problems with your
Spiritual Assembly but did not receive any advice, and also discussed your
situation with a family counsellor without success, the House of Justice feels
it most essential for your husband and you to understand that marriage can be a
source of well-being, conveying a sense of security and spiritual
happiness. However, it is not
something that just happens. For
marriage to become a haven of contentment it requires the cooperation of the
marriage partners themselves, and the assistance of their families. You mention your concern over your
oldest daughter. It is suggested
that you include her and perhaps your younger children in family consultations.
(From a letter
dated 24 June 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [65]
Irreconcilable
antipathy arising between the parties to a marriage is not merely a lack of
love for one’s spouse but an antipathy which cannot be resolved. It is for the Spiritual Assembly to
decide whether this condition exists before it sets the date for the beginning
of the year of waiting, and this it may do on the application of one of the
parties. It is not affected by the
other party’s not wishing to apply for a divorce.
The date for
the beginning of the year of waiting having been fixed, it is the obligation of
the parties to make every effort to reconcile their differences and to try to
preserve the marriage. The
Spiritual Assembly has the obligation to offer them every assistance in this
regard….
Obviously,
seeking the assistance of one’s Spiritual Assembly is a part of the Bahá’í
divorce procedure, and the parties concerned should consult with the Assembly
about their problems. It is within
the discretion of the parties, or either of them, to also avail themselves of
professional marriage counsellors.
(From a letter
dated 12 July 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [66]
Your letter
of … to the Universal House of Justice makes clear that you are seeking to
re-establish your marriage through study of the Writings and through various
modes of consultation and assistance.
We are asked to convey its advice on this vital subject of
reconciliation of partners in marriage in the context of understanding yourself
and your relationship to others.
You are urged
to persevere in your studies, in your prayers for resolution of your problems, and
in your meditation which may provide guidance and confidence, inasmuch as the understanding
of self and of relationships to others are contained in the writings and in the
example of the Master, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá.
Neither you
nor your husband should hesitate to continue consulting professional marriage
counsellors, individually and together if possible, and also to take advantage
of the supportive counselling which can come from wise and mature friends. Non-Bahá’í counselling can be useful but
it is usually necessary to temper it with Bahá’í insight.
You ask how
to deal with anger. The House of
Justice suggests that you call to mind the admonitions found in our Writings on
the need to overlook the shortcomings of others; to forgive and conceal their
misdeeds, not to expose their bad qualities, but to search for and affirm their
praiseworthy ones, and to endeavor to be always forbearing, patient, and
merciful. Such passages as the
following extracts from letters written on behalf of the beloved Guardian will
be helpful:
“There are
qualities in everyone which we can appreciate and admire, and for which we can
love them; and perhaps, if you determine to think only of these qualities which
your husband possesses, this will help to improve the situation…. You should turn your thoughts away from
the things which upset you, and constantly pray to Bahá’u’lláh to help
you. Then you will find how that
pure love, enkindled by God, which burns in the soul when we read and study the
Teachings, will warm and heal, more than anything else.”
“… Each of us is
responsible for one life only, and that is our own. Each of us is immeasurably far from
being ‘perfect as our heavenly father is perfect’ and the task of perfecting
our own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our
will-power and energy….”
(From a letter
dated 17 July 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [67]
Concerning
the definition of the term “aversion” in relation to Bahá’í divorce law, the
Universal House of Justice points out that there are no specific “grounds” for
Bahá’í divorce such as there are in some codes of civil law. Bahá’í law permits divorce but, as both
Bahá’u’lláh and ‘Abdu’l-Bahá have made very clear, divorce is abhorred. Thus, from the point of view of the
individual believer he should do all he can to refrain from divorce. Bahá’ís should be profoundly aware of
the sanctity of marriage and should strive to make their marriages an eternal
bond of unity and harmony. This
requires effort and sacrifice and wisdom and self-abnegation. A Bahá’í should consider the possibility
of divorce only if the situation is intolerable and he or she has a strong
aversion to being married to the other partner. This is the standard held up to the
individual. It is not a law, but an
exhortation. It is a goal to which
we should strive.
From the
point of view of the Spiritual Assembly, however, the matter is somewhat
different. The Spiritual Assembly
should always be concerned that the believers in its community are being
deepened in their understanding of the Bahá’í concept of marriage, especially
the young people, so that the very thought of divorce will be abhorrent to
them. When an application for
divorce is made to a Spiritual Assembly, its first thought and action should be
to reconcile the couple and to ensure that they know the Bahá’í teachings on
the matter. God willing, the
Assembly will be successful and no year of waiting need be started. However, if the Assembly finds that it
is unable to persuade the party concerned to withdraw the application for
divorce, it must conclude that, from its point of view, there appears to be an
irreconcilable antipathy, and it has no alternative to setting the date for the
beginning of the year of waiting.
During the year the couple have the responsibility of attempting to
reconcile their differences, and the Assembly has the duty to help them and
encourage them. But if the year of
waiting comes to an end without reconciliation the Bahá’í divorce must be
granted as at the date of the granting of the civil divorce if this has not
already taken place.
It can be
seen, therefore, that “aversion” is not a specific legal term that needs to be
defined. Indeed a number of other
terms are used in describing the situation that can lead to divorce in Bahá’í
law, such as “antipathy”, “resentment”, “estrangement”, “impossibility of
establishing harmony” and “irreconcilability”. The texts, however, point out that
divorce is strongly condemned, should be viewed as “a last resort” when “rare
and urgent circumstances” exist, and that the partner who is the “cause of divorce”
will “unquestionably” become the “victim of formidable calamities”.
(From a letter
dated 3 November 1982 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [68]
The House of
Justice advises you to continue the strenuous efforts you are making to
overcome the difficulties in your marriage. It is pleased to note that you and your
husband have turned to the Local Spiritual Assembly for guidance and have
sought help from a Bahá’í who is a marriage counsellor. Such endeavours, when combined with a
strong and determined effort, improve greatly the prospects that your marriage
can be maintained. However, it must
also be borne in mind that the fact that Bahá’u’lláh has permitted divorce is,
no doubt, an indication that in certain circumstances it is unavoidable. If your earnest efforts to maintain your
marriage do not yield the desired result, you should not be distraught.
(From a letter
dated 28 April 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [69]
The House of
Justice is distressed to learn that you and your husband are continuing to
experience marital difficulties. It
has frequently advised believers in such situations to turn to the Spiritual
Assemblies for advice and counsel, and to follow this advice in their efforts
to preserve the unity of their marital relationship. It has been found useful in many
instances to also seek the assistance of competent professional marriage
counsellors, who can provide useful insights and guidance in the use of constructive
measures to bring about a greater degree of unity.
(From a letter
dated 17 July 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [70]
There have
been many instances in which a couple has, through a consecrated and determined
effort, aided by the power of prayer and the advice of experts, succeeded in
overcoming seemingly insuperable obstacles to their reconciliation and in
reconstructing a strong foundation for their marriage. There are also innumerable examples of
individuals who have been able to effect drastic and enduring changes in their
behavior, through drawing on the spiritual powers available by the bounty of
God.
(From a letter
dated 6 August 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [71]
… the stress laid in the statements of Bahá’u’lláh and ‘Abdu’l-Bahá on
love and harmony as the hallmark of marriage, and in view of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá’s
exhortation that each member of the family must uphold the rights of the
others, makes it clear that violence in the family is contrary to the spirit of
the Faith and a practice to be condemned.
It is clear
that no husband should subject his wife to abuse of any kind, whether
emotional, mental or physical. Such
a reprehensible action would be the very antithesis of the relationship of
mutual respect and equality enjoined by the Bahá’í writings—a relationship
governed by the principles of consultation and devoid of the use of any form of
abuse, including force, to compel obedience to one’s will. When a Bahá’í wife finds herself in such
a situation and feels it cannot be resolved through consultation with her
husband, she could well turn to the Local Spiritual Assembly for advice and
guidance, and might also find it highly advantageous to seek the assistance of
competent professional counsellors.
If the husband is also a Bahá’í, the Local Spiritual Assembly can bring
to his attention the need to avoid abusive behaviour and can, if necessary,
take firmer measures to compel him to conform to the admonitions of the
teachings.
There is no
obligation on a wife, who is being subjected to beating by her husband, to
continue living with him; she has the freedom to leave him and live in a
separate domicile if she feels it necessary to do so.
(From a letter
dated 12 April 1990 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to a
National Spiritual Assembly) [72]
The House of
Justice was saddened to learn about the difficulties you are experiencing in
your marriage. It is indeed
disheartening to have someone you love become disenchanted with the Faith which
you hold so dear. In these
circumstances you are advised to consult with your wife to try to establish
guidelines that will promote mutual respect for the other’s beliefs and ideas,
and come to some agreement so that the attitudes and behaviour of each one will
not impinge on the other’s rights to differing opinions. The marital relationship should not be
burdened by one partner’s undue expectations in regard to the other, based on
beliefs and desires which that other partner does not share. Although sharing of faith is naturally
desirable, it sometimes does not occur, and in such circumstances, even greater
care and understanding are required to maintain a healthy marriage
relationship.
To resign
from the Cause would be a dissimulation of faith since you still believe in
Bahá’u’lláh; therefore it could have no positive effect on your marriage. To make a compromise of such magnitude
would be morally wrong, and rob you not only of your self-respect but also the
ultimate respect of your wife. You
are strongly urged not to allow her present antagonism to erode your own
beliefs nor to lead to an adversarial position toward her. It should still be quite possible for
you to maintain a loving and caring relationship with your wife while always
keeping intact the integrity of your own belief and your relationship with
Bahá’u’lláh. As you rely on prayer
and the study of the Holy Writings, you will grow in strength and become better
equipped to handle any criticism which may be leveled against you or the Faith.
The fact that
your … children are Bahá’ís should be a source of great comfort to you and also
a reason for supreme gratitude to Bahá’u’lláh. He has blessed your life and theirs by
granting you the privilege of recognition, and your response in this present
difficulty may well be a means of showing the steadfastness of your love for
Him. Your challenge is to find that
path of service to the Faith which will still preserve the unity of your
marriage. You can certainly
continue your devotional obligations of prayer and reading of the Holy
Writings, you can give to the Fund, participate to the degree possible in the
life of the Bahá’í community, and teach the Faith. You are encouraged to exert every effort
to reach some agreement with your wife as to the range of activities for each
of you which is acceptable as you pursue your respective commitments and
interests.
(From a letter
dated 1 January 1993 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an
individual believer) [73]
Beyond any
professional assistance available to you is, of course, the assistance of God
and that assistance one receives from the Faith through prayer, teaching,
regular study of the Writings, obeying the ordinances of the Faith, and
steadfast perseverance in upholding His Covenant.
(From a letter
dated 27 April 1993 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [74]
Bahá’u’lláh
has ordained the family to be a fundamental institution for the organization of
society, and has encouraged the believers to build strong and healthy families.
This task is not an easy one, and
presents a particular type of difficulty when the spouses are of two different
religions.
It is the
view of the House of Justice that, when differences arise between parents
regarding the religious education of children, husband and wife must respect
each other’s right to educate the children in their respective religions. You mention in your letter that your
husband has said that having parents of different religions is confusing for
children. This is undoubtedly true
but it is a challenge to both parents to gain a deeper understanding of the
oneness of all God’s revelations.
Whether or not the non-Bahá’í partner is willing to make this effort,
the Bahá’í partner cannot in good conscience surrender the obligation of
sharing the Faith with his or her child.
He or she is also enjoined to allow an equal right to the non-Bahá’í
spouse. Since you and your husband
knew of each other’s beliefs before marrying, and as you are both reasonable
persons, the House of Justice does not see any reason why such an arrangement
should not work.
Your letter
suggests that your husband hopes that you will convert to Islam, and it also
indicates your own desire that he recognize Bahá’u’lláh. While these attitudes are
understandable, they should never become an impediment to the unity of your
marriage. Your husband may never
come to recognize Bahá’u’lláh. You,
for your part, can never deny Him.
This should not prevent the two of you from having a good and happy
family life. The House of Justice
hopes that you will show great love to your husband, that you will pray
fervently for him, and that you will be the best of helpmates. If he wishes to be Muslim, you should
help him to be an exemplary Muslim.
The House of Justice feels that such an attitude will greatly facilitate
the ongoing consultations which you need to have with your husband on the topic
of your son’s religious education.
(From a letter
dated 15 November 1993 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [75]
The question,
“Does God ever want divorce?” is one which ought perhaps to be framed
differently, since the key point to consider in such cases is not so much a
matter of whether God would ever “want” divorce as the practical issue of when
it is appropriate for a married couple, or one of the parties to a marriage, to
decide to separate. The answer
cannot be dispensed
simply, because it depends on a variety of factors that need to be
considered in the context of a particular, concrete situation.
(From a letter
dated 25 October 1995 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [76]
For the
couple themselves, the year of waiting provides a possibility for each party
patiently and independently to assess their situation at a distance removed
from the aggravating interferences of close proximity and to devise the
measures of a fresh approach towards mending the strained relationship. There have been many instances in which
a couple has, through a consecrated and determined effort, aided by the power
of prayer and the advice of experts, succeeded in overcoming seemingly
insuperable obstacles to their reconciliation and in reconstructing a strong
foundation for their marriage.
There are also innumerable examples of individuals who have been able to
effect drastic and enduring changes in their behaviour, through drawing on the
spiritual powers available by the bounty of God….
It is clear
then that, in the Bahá’í Faith, divorce is strongly discouraged and should be
resorted to only when a prolonged effort to effect reconciliation has been
unsuccessful. However, it should
also be noted that the fact that Bahá’u’lláh has permitted divorce is, no
doubt, an indication that in certain circumstances it is unavoidable. In other words, it is permissible when
an irreconcilable antipathy exists between the two parties to a marriage.
(From a letter
dated 2 September 1996 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [77]
The House of
Justice deeply sympathizes with you in the difficulties which you have
described in your letter, stemming from your husband’s history of family
violence and drug use. It noted
with approval that you have sought professional psychological assistance to
address this matter, and is hopeful that your husband will persevere in his
efforts to achieve healing and to modify his destructive behaviour. In addition, you are encouraged to
approach the local Bahá’í institutions, such as your Local Spiritual Assembly,
Auxiliary Board member and/or National Spiritual Assembly, for spiritual
support and guidance.
The courage
and love with which you have acknowledged this painful situation and are
striving to assist your husband are warmly commended. The House of Justice is concerned by
your statement that your husband has been mistreating you and that there may be
danger of physical violence. It is
evident from the Bahá’í teachings that no husband should subject his wife to
abuse of any kind, and that such reprehensible action is the antithesis of the
relationship of mutual respect and equality enjoined in the Writings—a
relationship governed by the principles of consultation and devoid of the use
of force to compel obedience to one’s will. While a Bahá’í is enjoined to be patient
and forbearing, one is not obliged to remain indefinitely in a situation where
one is being subjected to abuse.
Thus, it may be advisable to seek practical guidance as to what measures
you could take to protect yourself from harm if the situation were to
deteriorate markedly. The House of
Justice deeply hopes it will not come to this, and that you and your dear
husband will find the means to repair the foundation of your marriage to
establish a framework of cordial unity.
(From a letter
dated 16 April 1998 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an
individual believer) [78]
The House of
Justice is of the opinion that unhappiness in marriage and in the family is a
symptom of a whole range of shortcomings in the way of life followed by most people
at this time—shortcomings which are reflected to too great a degree within the
Bahá’í community. Paying more
attention, and devoting more time, to the choice of a spouse is but one aspect
of the solution. Bahá’ís need to
study more deeply and carry out more faithfully all the guidance for life and
behaviour which is contained in the Revelation of Bahá’u’lláh—including those
teachings which relate especially to marriage and the family.
(From a letter
dated 18 January 1999 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [79]
The Bahá’í
teachings on the sacredness of the marriage bond and the importance of family
unity are clear, and your desire to uphold this principle through your
perseverance and dedication to your marriage is praiseworthy. As ‘Abdu’l-Bahá tells us, a husband and
wife should be “… two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned
about the welfare of each other.” Therefore,
if your husband is willing to be chaste and faithful in his conduct, the House
of Justice encourages you to support and assist him in his efforts to be
obedient to the laws of Bahá’u’lláh and committed to his family. The following extract from a letter
written on behalf of the beloved Guardian may be helpful.
There are qualities in everyone
which we can appreciate and admire, and for which we can love them; and
perhaps, if you determine to think only of these qualities which your husband
possesses, this will help to improve the situation…. You should turn your thoughts away from the things which upset
you, and constantly pray to Bahá’u’lláh to help you. Then you will find how that pure love,
enkindled by God, which burns in the soul when we read and study the Teachings,
will warm and heal, more than anything else.
However,
providing assistance and encouragement to your husband should not entail
compromising your dignity or integrity as a Bahá’í and a partner in the
marriage. Further, it is important
to remember that while you can try to help your husband, in the end it is he
who is responsible for his own spiritual development.
(From a letter dated 29 September 1999 written on behalf
of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [80]
The depth of
the concern you express—and the distress your present situation is causing
you—are both readily understandable in the light of the great importance that
the Bahá’í teachings attach to the relationship that Bahá’í partners must seek
to establish in their marriage. You
are doubtless familiar with the words of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá on this subject:
The true
marriage of Bahá’ís is this, that husband and wife should be united both
physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of
each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God.
(Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, section 86)
Inevitably,
the struggle to attain so great a goal poses comparable challenges to the
patterns of habit and attitude that individuals bring into their married
life. In this respect, your
personal situation, while intensely painful for you in many of its specifics,
is not intrinsically different from that of the rest of humanity. The intimacy of the marriage
relationship—and the inescapable demand for self-sacrifice that this
relationship always entails—has exposed to you various of your inner weaknesses
that would very likely have come to light in no other way. The fact that these shortcomings
endanger the most precious tie that can bind one human being to another makes
the experience all the more intense.
This very
development, however, can be a great blessing, if you are able to see it in
this way and respond accordingly.
As nothing else in your life has been able to do, the crisis you
describe has the capacity to tap the roots of motivation for fundamental
change. This is, more often than
not, the means that God employs to open us to His Will. In the words of the Master:
To the sincere
ones, tests are as a gift from God, the Exalted, for a heroic person hasteneth,
with the utmost joy and gladness, to the tests of a violent battlefield…. Likewise, the pure gold shineth
radiantly in the fire of test….
This test is just as thou hast written: it removeth the rust of egotism from the
mirror of the heart until the Sun of Truth may shine therein. For, no veil is greater than egotism and
no matter how thin that covering may be, yet it will finally veil man entirely
and prevent him from receiving a portion from the eternal bounty.
(Tablets of
‘Abdu’l-Bahá, volume III, pp. 722–3)
The House of
Justice urges that, for the time being, you lay all of your entirely
understandable concerns about the future of your marriage in the hands of
Bahá’u’lláh, detaching yourself as fully as possible from the immediate focus
of your concern, so that you can turn your attention wholeheartedly to the
opportunity now presented to you to nurture those undeveloped qualities within
you whose mature expression the circumstances of your life so urgently call
for. You will want to advise your
wife of the decision you have made and seek her own prayers for your
confirmation in it.
You are
indeed blessed to have come to the point in your life where you are able
candidly to admit to yourself your failings. Having done so, it will be equally important
that you do not dwell on your shortcomings themselves since, as Bahá’u’lláh
makes clear, “abasement” is in no way conducive to spiritual growth. Your attention and your prayers should
be resolutely concentrated on the power of Bahá’u’lláh to help you find new
ways to respond to life.
(From a letter
dated 4 September 2000 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [81]
It is clear
from the problems you have described that there is a need for sympathetic
communication between you and your husband. This can be achieved through love and
respect for each other and patient understanding. Our Bahá’í teachings concerning marriage
also underscore the importance of tenderness between husband and wife. Consultation provides a means through
which these qualities can be practiced to great advantage, and it is hoped that
you will find a way to engage in such consultation with your husband.
(From a letter dated 6 May 2001 written on behalf of
the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [82]
There is no
objection to a couple being separated for a period of time without asking for
the year of patience to be set.
(From a letter
dated 31 July 2002 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [83]
Differences of attitude often arise in a marriage and have to be worked
out if the marriage is to flourish.
This is so whether the partners are of the same or different religions.
(From a letter
dated 4 October 2004 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [84]
It is clearly
evident from the Bahá’í Teachings that no husband should subject his wife to
abuse of any kind, whether emotional, mental or physical. Such a reprehensible action would be the
very antithesis of the relationship of mutual respect and equality enjoined by
the Bahá’í Writings—a relationship governed by the principles of consultation
and devoid of the use of any form of abuse, including force, to compel
obedience to one’s will.
Whether or
not you should divorce your husband depends entirely on your own feelings and
judgment in the matter. While the
Teachings condemn divorce and urge the preservation of marriage, they do
acknowledge the necessity of divorce in extreme circumstances. A believer should consider the
possibility of divorce only if the situation is intolerable and he or she has a
strong aversion to being married to the other partner.
(From a letter
dated 11 November 2004 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [85]
Your desire
to consult with your Local Spiritual Assembly in an effort to find a solution
to your marital problems reflects your willingness to take advantage of the
divine arrangement ordained by Bahá’u’lláh for attending to matters affecting
the life of members of His community.
However, if your wife is opposed to this action, and you are unable
through appeals to her to change her mind, it may be best to attempt to find
another approach towards finding a resolution to these difficulties. Perhaps there are wise believers in the
community whose judgment she may trust and she would be agreeable to join you
in consulting with one or two of these individuals; or she may prefer that you
see a professional counsellor with expertise in dealing with marital issues.
In situations
of this kind, it is often very challenging for partners to consult with each
other, but it is unhealthy for both if serious conflicts are left
unresolved. See whether you can,
after prayer and meditation, attempt again to convey to your wife the deep need
you feel for a fuller consultation on your issues, and seek her suggestion as
to how she feels an approach to a solution should be made, and attempt to win
her agreement that you consult with a suitable person, one she may well be able
to recommend.
(From a letter
dated 14 November 2004 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [86]
Your letter
raises questions about remaining married when a couple is unable to have
children and about divorce and marriage to another spouse for the purpose of
having a family. In response to
questions raised by other believers who found themselves unable to have
children, the House of Justice has pointed out that the teachings of our Faith
indicate that a Bahá’í couple should be willing and open to the possibility of
having children; nevertheless, it is recognized that not all couples are physically
able to have children. It must be
kept in mind that procreation, though the primary purpose, is not the sole
purpose of marriage, and a couple unable to have children of their own should
not feel any guilt of failure, for they can find fulfilment in their lives
through other avenues of service to God and humanity and through the enduring
unity they establish in their marital relationship.
The House of
Justice points out that one cannot fathom the wisdom of God. Many times that which the heart desires
proves not to be in one’s best interests, and many times that which appears as
an unbearable test proves in time to be a path to great happiness.
You should
also bear in mind that, in the teachings of the Faith, adopting a child is held
to be a highly meritorious act. The
passages provided below from the Kitáb-i-Aqdas and a letter written on behalf
of Shoghi Effendi affirm this principle.
He that bringeth
up his son or the son of another, it is as though he hath brought up a son of
Mine; upon him rest My glory, My loving-kindness, My mercy, that have compassed
the world.
(The
Kitáb-i-Aqdas, paragraph 48)
It was a
pleasure to Shoghi Effendi to receive your letter of May 26th and to hear
about your adopted children. This
is a truly Bahá’í act especially as it was often lauded both by Bahá’u’lláh and
‘Abdu’l-Bahá, and the Guardian trusts that they will grow to become Bahá’í
workers, and thus repay your kind generosity.
(20 June
1931 to an individual)
(From a letter
dated 27 December 2005 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [87]
It is also
pleasing to note from your letter that both of you have turned to your Local
Spiritual Assembly for support and counsel, and you are urged to follow the
sound advice that has been offered to you.
We must be ever mindful that only through immersion in the ocean of the
utterances of the Blessed Beauty and the daily struggle to translate His
teachings into reality can we come to a greater understanding of God’s will for
us and achieve our purpose in life.
Forbearance, patience, perseverance, mature consultation and love will
assist you both in addressing the challenges that arise in your marriage.
(From a letter
dated 16 April 2006 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [88]
Although the
breakdown of a marriage relationship may sometimes be precipitated by one
single action, it is often the result of a series of events over an extended
period which erode the trust and confidence between the marriage partners. Hence one must exercise caution and
restraint in seeking to identify the cause of divorce or to assign
responsibility for it exclusively to one of the parties. Rather the effort should more
productively be expended on ensuring that the necessary endeavour is made to
see whether reconciliation can be effected. Should that not be possible, one should
be aware that, in the Bahá’í teachings, divorce is permissible and provisions
are made for it.
(From a letter
dated 22 December 2006 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [89]
The Universal
House of Justice has received your email message … inquiring whether the Bahá’í
Writings indicate a believer should rise above a situation of adultery in order
to save his or her marriage. We
have been asked to convey the following.
To date,
nothing has been found in the Writings of the Central Figures of the Faith or
letters written by or on behalf of Shoghi Effendi that specifically addresses
the question you have raised.
However, as you are probably aware, under Bahá’í law, divorce is
permissible if antipathy or resentment develop on the part of either the
husband or the wife. In this
connection, the House of Justice has explained that there are “a large number
of possible causes for such an attitude to occur between a married couple,
among which is included adultery by one of the marriage partners. It is also possible that, if adultery
occurs, a combination of remorse on the part of the marriage partner involved
and forgiveness and magnanimity on the part of the other partner could result
in a condition in which the marriage could be preserved and divorce avoided.”
(From a letter
dated 7 December 2016 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [90]
As to your broader
request for guidance regarding how Bahá’í married couples may deal with sexual
problems, you are encouraged to consider the following perspectives and
principles. One of the outcomes of
the rising tide of materialism and consequent reorientation of society, over
more than a century, has been a destructive emphasis on sexuality. Sexuality has become a preoccupation,
pervading commerce, media, the arts, and popular culture, influencing
disciplines such as medicine, psychology, and education, and reducing the human
being to an object. It is no longer
merely a part of life but has become the defining element of a person’s
identity. Thus, our civilization
has exalted sex and sexuality to a level of importance far beyond its proper
place in our lives. Sex has also
been wrenched out of its proper context.
On the one hand, our current culture suffuses every aspect of our lives
with sex, but on the other, it isolates the sex act from its natural
corollaries of marital life and the bearing and rearing of children.
You are aware
that the Bahá’í Faith recognizes the value of the sex impulse and holds that
the institution of marriage has been established as the channel of its rightful
expression. In letters written on
his behalf, Shoghi Effendi made the following statements: “The sex instinct, like all other human
instincts, is not necessarily evil.
It is a power which, if properly directed, can bring joy and
satisfaction to the individual.” Further,
the Bahá’í standard “does not preclude the living of a perfectly normal sex
life in its legitimate channel of marriage.” With regard to the importance that
should be placed on the physical aspect of marriage in comparison to its moral
and spiritual aspects, a letter written on behalf of the Guardian stated:
The institution
of marriage, as established by Bahá’u’lláh, while giving due importance to the
physical aspect of marital union, considers it as subordinate to the moral and
spiritual purposes and functions with which it has been invested by an all-wise
and loving Providence. Only when
these different values are given each their due importance, and only on the
basis of the subordination of the physical to the moral, and the carnal to the
spiritual, can such excesses and laxity in marital relations as our decadent
age is so sadly witnessing be avoided, and family life be restored to its
original purity, and fulfil the true function for which it has been instituted
by God.
Bahá’ís are,
understandably, influenced by the forces of society, including contemporary
beliefs about sexual practices. As
believers come to more deeply understand the principles that have been set
forth in the Bahá’í teachings, they will be able to obtain a more balanced and
healthier view of sexual relations within marriage. That itself will help Bahá’í married
couples to avoid or to resolve many difficulties in a world with an exaggerated
emphasis on, and distorted view of, sex.
Of course, a number of sexual problems can well have medical aspects,
and in such cases recourse should certainly be had to the best medical
assistance. Moreover, a letter
written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi explained: “Sex is a very individual matter,” and
“some people are more passionate by nature than others”.
(From a letter
dated 17 April 2017 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to
an individual believer) [91]
The Universal
House of Justice has received your email letter … requesting guidance and
prayers in relation to your marriage, which you describe has been affected by
your husband’s substance abuse problem….
As to the
question of whether a breach of Bahá’í law leading to the breakdown of a
marriage justifies divorce, in the Bahá’í writings there are no specific
grounds for divorce such as there are in some codes of civil law. A Bahá’í is expected to make a supreme
effort to preserve a marriage, but divorce is permitted in Bahá’í law, and in
certain situations it may be the only solution. A believer should consider the
possibility of divorce only if the situation is intolerable and he or she has a
strong aversion to being married to the other partner. Whether your situation is one in which
you feel you are justified in applying for divorce is a decision only you can
make in light of prayerful consideration of the factors involved.
(From a letter
dated 6 December 2017 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice
to an individual believer) [92]
Prayers
Praised be
God, Who hath adorned the heaven of love with the stars of unity and harmony,
and hath ordained that in the world of being marriage be the chief instrument
for the realization of that which He hath purposed for the peoples and kindreds
of the earth. Verily, He hath
raised up regions and countries, and hath revealed the arts and sciences, and
whatsoever ye witness today or have heard from His learned servants in the
past. Exalted be the Lord of Names,
He Who hath enjoined marriage as a comfort unto His servants and His people,
and as a means for their peace and tranquillity in His dominion. Thus hath it been revealed from the
heaven of His sanctity in His Most Holy Book, as well as in His Books and Scriptures
in former times and more recently.
Verily, potent is He to accomplish His purpose, and He is the One, the
Incomparable, the Unconstrained….
O Lord! I beseech Thee by the gentle winds of
the dawn of Thy Manifestation, through which Thou hast vivified all created
things, and by the outpourings of Thy grace, and by the pearls of the ocean of
Thy knowledge and wisdom, to assist him who hath turned unto Thee and through
whom Thou hast manifested Thy grace and Thy loving-kindness, and whom Thou
hast, as a token of Thy bounty and a sign of Thy grace, favoured with one of
Thy maidservants who hath been engaged in serving Thee for a number of years. O Lord, bind them together in Thy name,
through which Thou hast subdued the hearts and attracted the souls. Verily, potent art
Thou to do as Thou desirest, and in Thy grasp are held the reins of all
that are in heaven and on earth. Praised be Thou, O Lord of the worlds and
the Desire of all them that have recognized Thee!
(Bahá’u’lláh,
from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [93]
He is God!
O peerless
Lord! In Thine almighty wisdom Thou
hast enjoined marriage upon the peoples, that the generations of men may
succeed one another in this contingent world, and that ever, so long as the
world shall last, they may busy themselves at the Threshold of Thy oneness with
servitude and worship, with salutation, adoration and praise. “I have not created spirits and men, but
that they should worship me.”[6] Wherefore, wed Thou in the heaven of Thy
mercy these two birds of the nest of Thy love, and make them the means of
attracting perpetual grace; that from the union of these two seas of love a
wave of tenderness may surge and cast the pearls of pure and goodly issue on
the shore of life. “He hath let
loose the two seas, that they meet each other: Between them is a barrier which they
overpass not. Which then of the
bounties of your Lord will ye deny? From each He bringeth up greater and
lesser pearls.”[7]
O Thou kind
Lord! Make Thou this marriage to
bring forth coral and pearls. Thou
art verily the All-Powerful, the Most Great, the Ever-Forgiving.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, in Bahá’í Prayers, pp. 116–118) [94]
O my Lord, O
my Lord! These two bright orbs are
wedded in Thy love, conjoined in servitude to Thy Holy Threshold, united in
ministering to Thy Cause. Make Thou
this marriage to be as threading lights of Thine abounding grace, O my Lord,
the All-Merciful, and luminous rays of Thy bestowals, O Thou the Beneficent,
the Ever-Giving, that there may branch out from this great tree boughs that
will grow green and flourishing through the gifts that rain down from Thy
clouds of grace.
Verily Thou
art the Generous, verily Thou art the Almighty, verily Thou art the
Compassionate, the All-Merciful.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, pars.
87.3–87.4) [95]
O God, my
God! Join in accord these two souls
and set firm their feet in eternal love and everlasting union, in order that
each of them may be unto the other a bestowal of Thy grace, a token of Thy
loving-kindness, and an outpouring from Thy Kingdom of bounty. Bestow upon them pure and goodly
offspring who shall stand firm in servitude unto Thee, remain constant in Thy
worship, yearn for Thy Kingdom, and be filled with inspiration by Thy Great
Announcement. Verily Thou art the
Most Bountiful, and verily Thou art the Merciful, the Compassionate.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [96]
Praise be
unto God Who hath adorned the human reality with manifest signs of divine love,
and hath illumined all existent beings with the light of attraction, in such
wise that they have become harmonized, interconnected, and mutually attracted
through the power of heaven. Verily,
union, assemblage, marriage, intermingling, association, and integration are
the cause of life for all beings, whereas dissolution, separation,
dissociation, divorce, and division lead to the death and destruction of
created things. God hath created no
being but that its existence doth depend upon the association, composition, and
intermingling of simple, primal elements—whereas all that God hath decreed of
death, destruction, and extinction occurreth by way of the dissolution, separation,
dispersion, and dissociation of the principal constituent parts. Whensoever the natures and elements are
gathered, joined, paired, and intermingled, a living being or composite entity
is formed, fashioned, and brought into existence. And whensoever they dissociate, separate,
and disperse, then that being shall deteriorate, decline, and fall from its
station of existence within creation.
Thus, God
hath made harmony the cause of life, and discord the cause of death, and hath
ordained that coupling, union, and mutual attraction between the hearts of the
servants and maidservants through the bond of matrimony be the cause of joy and
prosperity of both body and soul. “Glory
be to Him Who hath created all the pairs, of such things as the earth
produceth, and of themselves, and of things beyond their ken.”[8] This, verily, is an evidence of His
tender mercy, bounty, and grace unto His devoted servants.
We beseech
God to make this marriage to be a cause of felicity, advancement, honour,
glory, upliftment, and freedom, so that from this servant and handmaiden there
may issue forth many souls who will worship God, bow down in adoration before
Him, be devoted and sincere in their faith, and arise to render service to Him
and to the world of humanity. He,
verily, is the Beneficent, the All-Merciful.
O God, my
God! Bless Thou the two parties to
this marriage, this Thy servant and this Thy handmaiden, both of whom believe
in Thy oneness, testify to Thy unity, and are attracted to Thy Kingdom. Ordain for them every good and make their
marriage to be a cause of loftiness, honour, perfection, light, and mercy for
evermore. Verily, Thou art the
All-Bountiful, the Compassionate, and Thou art He Who is loving and kind to His
handmaidens and servants.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [97]
O my Lord and
my Hope! Thou hast, through Thy
consummate wisdom, enjoined harmony upon Thy creation and prescribed
companionship unto the virtuous amongst Thy servants. Thou hast created all things as joined
pairs so that through such union Thy purpose may be realized, and through such
bonding, joy and gladness may appear. Thou hast, through Thy grace and bounty,
conjoined the hearts and souls, so that countenances may shine, even as lamps,
with the light of Thy love, and joyful nuptials may occur at every morn and
eventide….
Lord! Make these two souls even as one body,
one soul, and one heart, intermingling even as water and wine, and as honey and
pure milk. Ordain Thou for their
offspring every blessing. Advance
their station and cause them to be as two luminous signs shining forth from
the horizon of love and affection. Verily, Thou art the Unifier, the Supreme
Ordainer, the Source of all love, the Most Generous, the Compassionate.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [98]
Grant, O my
Lord, that this marriage may be auspicious, joyous, blessed, and praiseworthy. Strengthen Thou the union and increase
the harmony between these two souls, that they may live together in the utmost
tranquillity and delight, and may establish a devoted family that believeth in
Thee and in Thy signs. Verily, Thou
art the All-Bountiful. Verily, Thou
art the Almighty, the Omnipotent, the Most Powerful.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [99]
He is the
All-Glorious.
O ye two
closely knit and enlightened birds!
Praise ye God that in the divine garden, upon the tree of hope, ye have
sought shelter within the same nest and are engaged together in extolling and
sanctifying the incomparable Lord. Wherefore,
lift up the voice of the spirit and sing ye this song of glorification and
praise:
O Lord! We are but feeble birds, yet we abide
within the shelter of Thy protection. We are lowly fowls dwelling upon the
dust, but we seek Thy mighty abode.
Broken-winged are we, yet do we yearn to soar unto Thy sublime summits
and Thy retreats of celestial glory. Wherefore, bestow upon us Thy favour and
grant us Thy strength, that we may acquire wings of felicity, may take flight
in this limitless space, and become intimates of Thy Kingdom of Glory. Grant Thou that, through the union of
these two unrestrained birds, a flock of the meadows of truth may emerge and
soar within the lands of divine unity.
Upon you be greetings and praise.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [100]
He is the
All-Glorious.
O my God, O
my God! This is Thy servant whom
Thou hast caused to be related to Thy heavenly Tree and to be born beneath the
shade of Thy oneness. Thou didst
suckle him at the breast of Thy loving-kindness, and reared him within the
embrace of Thy care. Thou didst
guide him unto the right path until, through Thy grace and bounty, he attained
unto maturity within the shelter of Thy protection. Thou didst lead him to walk in the
straight and undeviating Path, cleaving steadfastly unto Thy sure Handle and mighty
Cord, in order that he might seek Thy good-pleasure, be content with Thy
decree, turn unto Thy heaven, speak forth Thy praise, and manifest the
qualities of the favoured and the sincere amongst Thy servants.
Thou hast now
favoured him with one of Thy handmaidens and hast wed him to her through Thine
endless bounties. Lord, she was an
orphan who was nurtured beneath the shade of Thy mercy and reared within the
bosom of Thy favours and bestowals. She attained unto maturity within the
protective embrace of Thy Covenant and was safeguarded under the watchful eye
of Thy loving-kindness and mercy.
O Lord! Unite these two souls through Thy grace,
and bind their hearts together through Thy bounty, that they may become even as
a single body, a single soul, and a single being, untarnished by antipathy or
estrangement, and waxing greater in fidelity and purity with each passing day. Graciously assist them in their servitude
to Thy great and sacred Threshold, and vouchsafe unto them Thy blessings and
favours. Protect them from every
distress and tribulation, from every sickness and sorrow. Thou art, in truth, the All-Bountiful,
the Almighty, the Bestower. Verily,
Thou art the Most Gracious, the All-Merciful, Whose help is implored by all.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [101]
O my Lord and
my Hope! This Thy servant hath, in
obedience to Thy bidding and in fulfilment of Thy laws, wed one of Thy
handmaidens in order that they may establish upon Thine earth a family that
shall remember Thee amongst Thy creatures, call out in Thy name amidst Thy
people, and become distinguished throughout the world for its relationship to
Thee and its reliance upon Thee. O
Lord! Grant that this marriage may
be prosperous, blessed, pleasing, and happy, and make it a cause of harmony and
fellowship for evermore. Thou,
verily, aidest whomsoever Thou willest. Thou art, in truth, the Most Powerful,
the Almighty, the Omnipotent.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [102]
O Lord, make
Thou this marriage to be blessed, prosperous, and happy. Bind these two souls together, and
gladden Thou every eye with the fruits that shall come forth from this
auspicious occasion. Shelter them
both within the sanctuary of Thy care and protection, and guard them with the
watchful eye of Thy loving-kindness. Cause them to become signs of Thy
remembrance amidst Thy creatures, and lamps of Thy knowledge within the glass
of Thy bountiful favour.
O Lord! They are feeble; strengthen them through
Thy power. They are lowly; exalt
them through Thy might. They are
supplicating Thee at the door of Thy oneness and entreating Thee at the
threshold of Thy tender mercy. Verily, Thou art the All-Powerful, the
All-Mighty, the Bounteous, the Merciful, the Compassionate.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [103]
O Lord! Grant that this marriage may be blessed
and happy. Send down Thy mercy upon
them both in order that from them may issue forth noble children who shall turn
unto Thy Kingdom of beauty, glorify Thee in their hearts and with their tongues
in the world of being, and unravel the mysteries Thou hast deposited in the
hearts and souls. Thou, in truth,
art the One Who uniteth, bindeth, and joineth together the human race. Thou, verily, art the Bestower, the
Compassionate, the Beneficent.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated from the Arabic) [104]
O Lord, make
Thou this marriage to become a cause of heavenly blessings and a means of
enkindlement with the fire of Thy love in the eternal Kingdom. Vouchsafe Thy grace in order that both
may be favoured at Thy Holy Threshold and remain firm in Thy love, may advance
spiritually with every passing day, and may become two resplendent signs of
faith and certitude amongst the people.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
from a Tablet—translated
from the Persian) [105]
[1] Qur’án 36:36, and cf. 51:49.
[2] Qur’án
36:36.
[3] Cf. Qur’án 55:17.
[4] The “Family Life”
compilation, which was sent to all National Spiritual Assemblies in February
1982. An expanded version of the
compilation was issued in 2008 and is available on the Bahá’í Reference
Library.
[5] A believer who, having married his
first wife out of compassion, now wished to be permitted to marry a woman with
whom he had fallen in love, saying that his wife was agreeable to his taking
this second wife.
[6] Qur’án 51:56.
[7] Qur’án 55:19–22.
[8] Qur’án
36:36.